The world breathed a sigh of relief on Friday night as after a gruelling few weeks, during which Gavin Henson was forced to whittle down 25 potential girlfriends to a final two using only his wits and loins, the die was cast and the magazine deal was sealed. Of course, Gav ended up listening to his loins, and despite spending the entire series staring into the middle distance, talking about commitments and levels and maturity and the world of pain he was in right now… he ended up choosing Carianne, a 24 year old glamour model who has been nibbling on his thick neck since day 1.

When asked to describe her feelings for Gavin in more detail, Carianne allowed a delicate pause for thought before summarising thus: ‘he’s fit and stuff…I dunno.’ If music be the food of love, Carianne is a ukulele.

But wait! Whilst Gavin may no longer be settling for early nights with nothing but a Cup-a-Soup to keep him company, if this series of The Bachelor has taught us anything, it is that there is much much more to be done. Plenty of other rich and lonely, hairless and shiny men have had their chances of finding love scuppered by the trappings of fame. Peter Andre for example. Channel 5 should be aiming to give him, to give them all, the same opportunities they have afforded Gavin. I imagine the sharp rise in viewing figures is all the incentive they need to start planning their next season.

Perhaps the most exciting aspect of the whole shebang is that The Bachelor features real women, just like you and me. Well, alright, not just like you and me. Unless you are aged between 18 and 25, are surgically enhanced from the ankles up or blessed with that kind of ‘just stepped out of a salon’ natural beauty which means other women fantasise about smashing your perfect face in with a stiletto? Anyway, get some veneers, book a few sessions on the power plate, cast off any luke-warm feelings you may have about objectifying women and let’s audition! Here are Telly Belly’s top notch tips for ensuring you make it all the way to the final.

1) Relinquish your right to privacy. The Bachelor wants to get to know you. Especially certain parts of you. He can’t possibly decide whether or not you two have a future unless you agree to a late night fumble in a hot tub with an entire film crew present.

2) Be body confident. There will be gratuitous amounts of standing round in a bikini. You might even be asked to perform a Burlesque strip tease or a sexy photo shoot. If you can’t handle appearing on national television in nothing but a thong and a wig, then how can you honestly expect to handle life in the spotlight with The Bachelor?

3) Play the game. Personality is obviously important to The Bachelor, but at the end of the day, if he doesn’t actually fancy you, then you’ll be out in the first couple of rounds. Practice pouting suggestively and listening attentively in the mirror.

4) Manage your time wisely. With so many girls to entertain, some of you will be left hanging around the chalet / villa / castle all day whilst the others are whisked off on dates. You’ll need to spend all of these spare hours perfecting your tan, performing emergency lunges and washing your hair every twenty minutes.

5) Let him do the talking. The Bachelor is going to have lots of exciting anecdotes to share, like the time he went out for sushi with Duncan from Blue. Nothing you have to say will possible be able to match, or be of any real interest to him. Shut up and let him shine.

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Readers who submit articles must agree to our terms of use. The content is the sole responsibility of the contributor and is unmoderated. But we will react if anything that breaks the rules comes to our attention. If you wish to complain about this article, contact us here