Why one is thrilled and delighted to miss the Royal Wedding…

I actually feel sorry for William and Catherine, having to put up with it all. It’s hard enough trying to exist in domestic “bliss” without the knowledge and pressure that one’s marriage is being turned into a crass consumer-fest featuring a whole host of tacky memorabilia, presumably being made in China by those who are smiling extensively en route to the bank. There are even reports of souvenir sick bags selling well, and you can see why.

At the other end of the proceedings, I bet Kate’s Dad is feeling light in the pocket after forking out £97,000 worth of family inheritance towards the ‘big day’. It is a dream event or an over-blown nightmare, in these times when many people are struggling with the daily cost of living?

And the onslaught of associated product is endless. The other day, for example, I received an email from the normally sensible Photobox, purveyor of digital photo products. It read: “Not been invited to the Royal Wedding Jo? Well, here’s the next best thing – mark the occasion with your favourite mug shot on your very own Celebratory Photo Mug. They’re stylishly kitsch, fun and make a great gift or cool keepsake for all princess wannabees.”

Princess wanabees, eh. How sad. One of the mugs said “he should have chosen me”. I have a cool and stylishly kitsch idea as to where these mugs should be placed. Let’s see, it exists in the kitchen, it’s commonly made of plastic or stainless steel, has a pedal, a flip-up lid and contains a plastic sack inside. And just think what fun we could have by staging an alternative “Royal Wedding memorabilia hurling contest” – the winner is the person who throws the ceramic items the furthest and creates the most broken pieces, which can then be inserted neatly into the aforementioned receptacle at no extra cost.

And, speaking of silly competitions, another email informing me about “commemorative sliding wardrobe doors” was the straw that broke the camels’ back: the “wafer thin mint” too far, Monsieur. Yes, you’ve guessed it: a company called Spaceslide.co.uk has produced wardrobe doors featuring side-by-side pictures of the couple affecting sickly grins. The latest version of the door is made in red – presumably with contemporary bedrooms in mind. In a publicity stunt that defies good taste, the doors will be given to the “Britain’s Royal Wedding Super Fan who can prove that they have the biggest collection of Royal Wedding Memorabilia in the UK”.

So, then, the person (undoubtedly single, if they have so much time on their hands) who has accumulated the largest amount of Royal Wedding-themed tat can stare at pictures of the happy couple while residing on their single bed in their single room, partaking of their single life. Perhaps the sight of Will and Kate in the bedroom will prove inspirational but I can’t imagine that such major signs of being a “number one fan” will help attract a fresh partner to the aforementioned room. If, on the other hand, a couple wins the commemorative sliding doors, they will be faced with the constant sight of Will and Kate grinning at them while they’re doing what a couple would presumably do in the privacy of their own bedroom. It’s not something I’d find remotely desirable in my own ‘boudoir’… but each to their own, hey!

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t have anything against Will and Kate. And no, reader, I’m not just a “whingeing singleton” who wants to cast stones at the betrothed, and I wish them every luck for the future (they’ll need it!). However, I will be turning off my TV on April 29.

An elderly family member summarised the scenario rather neatly: “I don’t mind the pair getting married - they might even be suited to each other - but I’m getting sick of kitsch displays in shops with Union Jacks, cheap and tacky mugs and plates, etc., all with happy pictures of the glorious couple. I will be glad when it is over!

“We even received an invitation to attend a display of various wedding dresses and other wedding memorabilia celebrating the weddings of people I don’t know. Thank heavens it’s on my golf day."

Well, quite! Run for the hills of this “green and pleasant land”.

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