I have to think of giving up work but fear that my family won't manage

I was a little late rousing and my fellow camping companions were already up.

I'm a slow starter and felt desperate for a cup of coffee and a shower but was conscious the others were all ready to leave.

Thankfully Natalie made me a cup of coffee in their caravan before they left.

Back home we unpacked and Jacob, Lewis and I worked quickly and efficiently together.

As soon as our jobs were done we could relax in the hot tub and, my goodness, did it feel good. I stayed in for about 40 minutes.

Sometimes I worry the massage effect will stimulate the cancer and progress things but in my heart I think things that make me feel better have to be good for me.

It was great to see Tom when he got home. It felt as if we had been apart for so long and we just hugged each other for ages or at least until my appetite got the better of me and I sent him out for a takeaway.

How I love that man. He is so good to and for me and I count my blessings every time I look at him.

On Friday I'm feeling stupid and my head is pounding.

My morning started nicely enough but the boys ended up having a big fall-out. Thankfully they are OK now. They are actually really close and it upsets them when they argue.

I was desperately trying to sort out a family holiday but it is proving difficult to find something at such late notice and within our budget.

In the afternoon I had a meeting with Maggie who is our union branch case worker and an old friend.

I felt so stupid and embarrassed as she explained to me that the death-in-service grant I am so desperately holding out for is actually down to the teachers' pension scheme I'm in rather than my employers.

Other than staying in employment I can see no hope of us receiving the grant, yet I am not convinced that staying in employment is a viable option for anybody.

My head feels fit to burst as I know I have to come round to the idea of giving up work. Yet I am so worried about how my family will manage financially.

I must not let it get me down and will find a way of staying positive, even if it's just sounding off in my diary!

Tom and I went to Shoreham for the evening for a meal with friends Sue and Adrian. It was good company and good food.

We bumped into another couple that Sue and Adrian knew and in conversation they asked what I do for a living.

I was awkward in my answer and over-compensated by going into great detail about my situation.

I didn't intend to embarrass them.

We are so far down the line in coming to terms with what is happening that I sometimes forget the awkwardness so many people feel on the subject of death.

When I awoke the following day I felt unwell but Tom and I had planned to go and visit his mum at St Thomas's Hospital in London. She had fallen and fractured a number of bones.

She is so lovely and I felt very concerned when I heard the news. Thankfully she looked a lot better than I had anticipated.

We chatted for ages and I did her nails. It must have been so frightening because she was at home alone at the time and now she is having to rethink where she will live.

My energy levels are low at the moment so I thought it sensible to rest when we got home.

Tom collected the boys and Jacob was very eager to give me the coconut he won at a fete Mum took him too.

Even though he knows Tom doesn't approve when he wakes me, I actually quite like the fact he is keen to see me and think I would be disappointed if he didn't sneak in.

My body's thermostat is up the creek and I'm either sweating profusely or freezing cold at the moment, which is all a result of my cancer treatment.

I had a lazy morning and Jacob accompanied me on a power walk which was really nice. Later I prepared the vegetables for dinner and it was like a stereotypical British family Sunday, which felt good.

Maggie called round with her new camper van.

She is about to give up work and venture into world travel with only the basics. She is a little older than me and I think it is an incredibly brave thing to do.

If I had to say one thing that the cancer has really taught me, it would be to live for the moment and not hold back on doing anything you might later regret not getting around to.

I know I won't be ending my days with regrets in terms of the lifestyle I've led.

The next day I had an absolutely wonderful facial and pampering. I am convinced the generosity and time Rinty and Margaret, my healer, give me every week has extended my life. It is totally selfish me' time and feels wonderful.

When I got home there were a couple of girls in the doorstep calling for Jacob and that made me smile.

I don't foresee too many problems for him in the popularity with girls department.

Later Lewis and I called in to see Mark, his wife Emma and their children.

Lewis adores their boys, I think enjoys being the eldest.

I couldn't help thinking how grown-up he looked, which made my heart do that little flutter.

As my stomach does that simultaneous flip, I have feelings of adoration and pride for my son and intense agony about the thought of not being around for my boys forever.

Jacob is worried about flying on holiday because he thinks we might get blown up. I'm not.

Maybe it's because I live every day in the face of death.

I don't think I am afraid of dying. I just don't want to leave Tom and my children and still feel they need me so much.

AHHH! Woke up and Lewis is covered in a rash! I needed to make him a doctor's appointment and he could only be seen at 10am.

Margaret started her healing magic on me and just as I started to relax Eileen, who does her magic on our house and ironing pile, arrived. All in all, I didn't relax as well as I hoped to.

All is OK with Lewis and the doctor thinks he just had an allergic reaction to something.

Luckily it won't affect us going on holiday.

I had lots of running around to do today collecting prescriptions, tickets and school PE kits, etc, so hit the shops in Brighton.

We didn't leave until the shops shut and by the time we got home I felt completely shattered.

My dad visited and we exchanged birthday presents as we will miss each others' birthdays due to me being away.

I am excited about going away and looking forward to being alone with Tom and the boys, yet there's a part of me that doesn't want to be away from my mum and dad and the other people who make me feel so safe and secure.

Oh, such luxury! After everyone had gone to bed I allowed myself a moment of solitude. I lay in my new hot tub looking at the moody sky.

At first my thoughts were about Lewis and the fact that he was a water birth - one of the first at Worthing Hospital.

Then I thought of the complexity of life and how every individual has so much going on in their own little worlds.

Family and friends are my world and while my death will undoubtedly affect their lives immensely, in the overall scheme of things it is minuscule.

In fact death is a cold reality of life and a necessity to enable new life.

I've been so sick today. I had a hair appointment I wasn't going to cancel as I knew I wouldn't get it done before we go away.

Unfortunately, I didn't hold up too well and ended up coming home with my hair wet and uncut. I spent the rest of the day in bed.

I want to say thank you to all the people who have taken the time to write to me and to The Argus. I was really moved when I read all the lovely letters that were forwarded to me.

It is hard to find words to express how your kindness and support makes me feel. Although some of your letters make me cry, it is because I am so touched by your care and support.

It means so much to me and definitely helps to keep me positive and strong.