I've lost my job and feel punished for being terminally ill

I was called to a meeting in Chichester today where my senior officers advised me I am to be dismissed on grounds of ill health. They were very nice about it all and I guess I expected it, however it feels awful.

I have worked for them for more than 20 years and always given so much to my work which had become a way of life and part of who I am. More crucially, the most important thing in the world to me right now is to know I have done everything in my power to make things easier on Tom and the boys once I die.

Our life insurance company cancelled my policy when I was first diagnosed with cancer - that in itself was pretty awful. Then I found a way to be able to continue with my half of the mortgage payments after my death when I discovered the family would receive an in-service grant on death benefit.

Now they won't be entitled to that if I'm not employed.

Once I've come to terms with things, calmed down and stopped crying, I'm sure we'll find a way of coping but just now it feels horrid. It reinforces my own mortality and my guilt about the knock-on effect my death will have on those I love the most.

Lewis was in a dreadful mood when we got home and I thought there must be a reason. It transpired he had confided in his friend he loved a girl in his class and his friend told her. Poor Lewis - and now his mum's telling it in the paper.

My point is, however, that something sweet and simple in our adult world is so desperately important and meaningful to a child. To my son it really mattered and he needed someone to understand and work it out with - me.

All my days are precious but some days are more precious than others and today was one of those days.

Jane, my friend and brother's partner, called over before school and we had a quick coffee with friends after dropping the children off.

Then we rushed back to the first school where Lewis and his friends were having their leavers' assembly.

Lewis has been a little uptight because he was dressing up as a granny for part of the performance but he pulled it off beautifully and made everyone laugh.

Some parents didn't attend and after the performance one little boy asked if he could take me for refreshments.

How glad I am that Lewis wasn't the child without his mum there to support him and how much it pains me to know that one day he will be. But that's then and for now we need to keep positive and just relish the moment.

It's strange the type of things that trigger my emotion.

We were taking a well-earned break from preparing the garden for the imminent arrival of our spa and Tom was talking about buying new beach shoes.

I started wondering how much wear he would get from them this summer and thought how happy we are as a couple and of Tom being on his own next summer.

He is such a wonderful easy-going husband, he works hard and no job is too great. It would be impossible to have been blessed with a better and more supportive husband and I hate to think of how lonely he will feel.

We met our new neighbours today, I did the Tesco shop and we had a film and cosy night in together. Lewis and I couldn't sleep and were hot. I wrapped him in a light fleece blanket and he sat on my lap out on my balcony. We were looking up at the stars and talking about the different names of the star groupings.

Suddenly out of the blue Lewis said after I've died he will look at the stars and think about me sitting on one looking down at him. I said he'll have to watch his behaviour because I'll be looking over him always.

I'm trying so hard not to feel hurt and angry about the work situation but it's difficult.

I made copious phone calls today but it seems that years of my pension have gone missing. I'm worried sick (literally) about how my dismissal from work will affect my family financially and I don't seem able to obtain any of the information I need to be able to work any finances out.

It's as if I have been set some kind of horrid and impossible test. I feel powerless and frustrated, yet determined not to end my days feeling miserable and certainly don't want to cloud my home life in misery.

I had a lovely day after dropping the boys at school for the last time this term. I cycled over to see my healer Margaret and then I went to Lancing to see my friend Neil and we had lunch together before my journey home.

I arrived at school just in time to collect Jacob and Lewis and I was feeling pretty hot and sweaty so talked a few of the parents into meeting up at the beach.

Our friends Natalie and Mark have Bianca, a German student teacher, staying with them. Natalie had shown her the article about me in Bella magazine this week. She cried when she met me and I felt strangely flattered by her empathy.

I really wanted her to enjoy her time in England and thought how welcome I felt by all the kindness shown to me in New Zealand so promised to take her on a bike ride to show her the Palace Pier.

On Wednesday, our day started with breakfast at Carat's Cafe. Lewis wanted ice cream and cake but I managed to talk him out of it. After a good feed we let our stomachs settle then waded through the seaweed into the sea. It felt fabulous.

Then the call came. It was my line manager from work. He advised me my salary was to stop from next month. I am devastated and however much I understand things from my employer's point of view, I can't help feeling like I am being punished for being terminally-ill.

In the evening I kept my promise to Bianca and we had an ice cream on the pier. Jacob went to Daniel's for a sleepover and Lewis had football training. Good old Tom desperately tried to do some work in the garden and replace some damaged fencing but every time he tries it rains.

Maybe I should send him out whenever the flowers need watering!