71 Degrees North

We can’t have that.

So then, ITV has whipped up a new and exciting way to torture these people in the very name of entertainment. Dump them at the edge of the Arctic Circle, with nothing but the Millets outdoor range between them and the elements, and get Kate Thornton and some other bloke to crow over the proceedings as they plough through fleets of snow like crazed Huskies. Kate Thornton, blinking out from beneath her brand new fringe and her massive furry hat. She is a woman of substance.

Perhaps the most exciting aspect of this programme is that it has brought Joe Absolom back into our lives.

Matthew Rose off Eastenders. Never washed his hair? Had a mum with MS? Got fitted up by evil Steve for Saskia’s murder? Well, believe it or not, he’s not had much work since those heady days of weeping in the dock, so it’s great to see him being given a second chance. Especially in the company of another hardened East End veteran, Alfie Moon. His presence at least gives us an answer to that pressing question, why is Kat pregnant with another’s bloke’s baby? It’s because Alfie was away filming in the Arctic.

We also have Gavin Henson. The man, the mystery. Last uttered a complete sentence in 2005. C’mon Gav, give us a smile.

Right anyway, here we go...

Gav gets to be team captain this week. As does Diarmuid whatsserface.

Two captains, red and blue, pick teams (nobody wants fragile Konnie Huq). They all trudge off to do something horrible. In this instance, struggle up a mountain with a ‘casualty’ (nominated team member) on a stretcher, before crossing a precarious rope bridge, which resembles an abandoned attempt at knitting. Whoever wins gets to spend the night in a luxury log cabin. Tasty.

Whoever loses on the other hand, has to sleep in a freezing tent. I can empathise with this. I spent three nights in a tent at a festival this summer, shivering my tits off because my cat had destroyed my sleeping bag and I had to make do with a Tesco Value blanket. Much like Ben off Hollyoaks, there were moments when I wished I would ‘die in my sleep’.

Michelle Mone lives up to her name and moans relentlessly but she can’t be suffering that much, she’s wearing eyeshadow. In fact I don’t believe that any of them are really suffering that much, they all have ruddy complexions and seem happy to talk to the camera.

Andrew Castle stages a subtle coup and steals the reins from Diarmuid whatsserface, attempting to spur the blue team on as they bicker about the best way to drag Susie Amy across the snow. Then, thank the Lord, dramatic tension as both teams approach the rope bridge! Michelle gets desperate. Ben off Hollyoaks talks her through it.

But lo! The blue team are catching up! Unfortunately once they catch sight of red team on the bridge they realise they’ve already lost, so they just sit down for a bit. Diarmuid decides that now is the perfect time to deliver a lecture on the importance of warm footwear.

Ah, the red team have officially won! Gav waxes lyrical on their triumph. He’s almost emotional.

Andrew Castle is worried about the effects of lactic acid on the body in these conditions. Is he fashioning a good excuse to give up and go home? Alfie Moon seems to have enjoyed himself. That’s what Walford does to your sense of perspective. Let’s see how cheerful he is after a night’s camping on basic rations.

Ha! Andrew ‘stretched something’. He’s been taken out of camp to be checked over by a doctor! I knew it!

Right, now they are all going to compete for a chance to be excluded from the next elimination. Ooh, Matthew Rose and Konnie seem to be falling out. He doesn’t like her telling him to put the kettle on. Ooh, Michelle ain’t that keen on Konnie either. Fight! Fight! Fight!

Ah, despite his best efforts, Andrew has been given the all clear and is back with the blue team. Gutted.

So now they have to climb a frozen waterfall. Bet you’re wishing that was Ant and Dec were approaching over the horizon rather than certain doom, don’t you guys?

Who’s your money on? Not Konnie I hope. She’s rubbish. Blue Peter credentials don’t get you far in the Arctic.

Hmm, no matter what they tell you, watching famous people make their way up an ice wall just isn’t entertainment.

Oh, Matthew Rose! Matthew Rose has won immunity, Thank Christ! Now they have to gather round and vote each other out. They’d better be doing this for charity or I think I’m turning over.

Right guys, let’s hear your heartfelt reasons. Gav is entirely concerned with who is voting for him rather than who he’s going to be voting for.

Here comes Kate and some other bloke with the results. Oh no, first she wants to have a little chat. Nobody cares Kate, just ship one of them off and let’s get on with it! Alfie Moon is remarkably quiet. Can somebody check his pulse? Ah he’s fine, he’s attempting a joke.

Oh right, it’s Konnie. Nobody liked Konnie. Far too Bambi-esque for her own good.

Well, based on this rather lacklustre episode, I’m not sure there are all that many reasons to be tuning in next week. Oh no wait, I stand corrected, somebody gets stuck in a big hole! Consider me hooked. ITV, you have a winner. An absolute winner.