Are migraines a sign that time is running out?

It was short and sweet, both the company and the coffee, as I had to leave my lovely friends to get back for a 9.30am work appointment. Hedging my bets to secure a place in Heaven I helped an elderly lady across the road.

She was wonderful as she poured out her life's history of aches, pains and ailments and I couldn't help thinking "Don't get me started on mine."

Fortunately I had scheduled my meeting with Denise to be at my house and we got off to a brilliant start. All was running smoothly and efficiently when like a bolt out of the blue a pretty violent migraine hit me.

I knew it wouldn't go away so I took medication and before I knew it I was in a deep slumber, leaving poor Denise to finish the project we were working on and arranging for my mum to come over.

It was around lunchtime the following day before I was up and functioning normally again, whatever that is. Somehow I don't think I'm as professional as I once thought I was.

Lewis had a friend back after school and they had very kindly made a puppet show to entertain me. I found it such a strain to keep my eyes open, but equally didn't wish to offend them after all their efforts.

Falling sick during work has knocked my confidence and makes me realise that with all the good will in the world, I can no longer do what I used to.

We had a quiet day and Lewis and I added characters to his puppet show.

I had to draw the big bad wolf and he made the three little pigs. My drawing was awful but he was suitably impressed and very flattering about his mother's efforts. Jacob had his class assembly so it was great that we were all able to go along and support him.

The children all performed beautifully and remembered their lines so well with their seemingly uncluttered minds.

I used to love amateur dramatics but I don't think I would ever remember my lines with all the stuff that continually goes around in my head.

Fears and concerns about not being able to carry on working continue to play in the forefront of my mind and my friend and colleague Simon helped.

He said: "Your job may be easilyfilled by someone else, but no one can replace the uniqueness that you as a person bring to the job." I think it was meant as a compliment!

On Saturday I woke up in a funny old mood I'll blame my hormones because I can. I felt I needed some time alone so set off for a power walk, then had a change of heart as I saw an opportunity.

I rushed home and dragged Tom and the boys out to buy fishing nets and crab lines. We purchased savouries and cakes from the bakery and set ourselves up in the sun by the water's edge. It was lovely.

Later I cycled into Hove and purchased a beautiful and totally impractical pair of opentoe shoes to show off my feet and to wear to our friend Tracy's surprise birthday party in the evening.

I would love to be able to dance but have never been much good at it and only usually get up to songs that involve joining in with the children. However, I did indulge in a dance with my husband ironically and randomly it turned out to be I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. I wish.

We were pleased to get a lift home with my aching feet and tired children, who I allowed to make duvet nests and sleep on our bedroom floor. I like having the children close by. On Sunday morning the boys and I read together for ages. I It was really enjoyable. We started all snuggled up together but Lewis's concentration isn't as good as Jacob's and, to be fair, the book choice was Jacob's and a little gruesome in part.

So Lewis created wonderful things from his Lego sitting quietly on the floor while I read. Later Lewis and his friend cycled to Hove Lagoon with me.

The boys played at the Lagoon and I sat on a bench enjoying the warm and quite strong wind on my face. I closed my eyes and my thoughts wandered to my imminent death.

Often they do when I am at my most relaxed and I hope the feeling at the end will be of deep, deep relaxation and drifting and not something ghastly and horrid.

Last week when I was at the Lagoon an open top bus drove by full of women celebrating Race For Life.

They were tooting and waving with balloons and banners and I remembered how emotional I had suddenly become as I waved back to them. They didn't know me or my circumstances. It was just that powerful strength of comradeship.

Women pulling together for a common cause and I felt like it was for me I cried a little bit and it was in a nice way.

A few people that I know are doing the Race For Life in different areas and have asked if they can put my name on their back. It doesn't sound like much but it feels like a big deal to me.

I still enjoy work and my enthusiasm for projects is strong but I feel totally unable to commit myself to anything and don't want to let my colleagues down.

Any promises regarding the future would be empty ones, I have a terrific team and love working with them all and I feel like I'm about to desert them at a time when I want to be around for them.

I worry about lots of things, especially my children, but deep down I know that Tom will really care for them although he is absolutely hopeless with my pets.

I worry that the pets are too much responsibility for the boys but I hope having the responsibility will help them through their grieving process.

I had cycled to Lancing for my first meeting of the day. My colleague had bought cream cakes. I love cream cakes and I think I ended up eating three.

I had a lovely time meeting some of my working partners including staff from the fire and rescue service, police, district council and the National Playbus Association.

It was a really positive and interesting meeting with enthusiastic staff and motivated people who I hope will move forward my project proposals for mobile youth provision.

It's the part of my work which I enjoy the most and it's going to be hard to let go of things but I know I will have to.

I had a bit of a conflict with Lewis that morning before school and then with Jacob after school so I took them both out with a fishing net and crab lines so we could talk about things openly and honestly.

We sorted things out really well but I still cannot help worrying about not being around to resolve situations in the future. We had a lovely time but it all became a bit of a rush.

At bedtime Lewis was hanging around as long as he could, drinking his chocolate milk to prolong staying up. I remember doing the same when I was little and it just makes me adore him all the more.

My headaches and dizzy spells are becoming increasingly worse and I think they act as a reminder that my time is becoming increasingly less.

Having no future is an extremely weird feeling and I feel like I might sound like I'm letting people down.

I know I cannot carry on working. I feel like my head will explode if I continue to try to juggle everything as I used to.

It's the end of the school term and there are sports days, swimming galas, school assemblies and all sorts of things I want to do with my children in the summer and I am really looking forward to it.