The terminator is coming

Blood and bone adds fertility to the soil.

In mid March, after the very cold winter, the daffodils were waiting for the warming sun to melt the frozen ground.

Dave, decided to brave the cold and went down to his allotment shop to see if he could borrow or hire a rotovator for his allotment.

“Sorry we don’t have one but we know a man who has, but he is in Teneriffe this week. He comes with his rotovator.”

Alright for some you might say, why do they want a rotovator in Teneriffe you might ask? Can rotovators be carried hand baggage with Ryanair? Does Ryanair charge extra for even thinking having this thought?

Anyway Dave said thanks but no thanks, two is company but three is none. Rotovator yes, but a man and a rotovator… no. Well he hardly had time to collect his thoughts on what to do , when the site rep asked what his plot number was, Dave gave it and the site rep kindly informed him that he was not about to be terminated!

Well that caught him off guard, I can’t blame Dave. Should you be happy not to be terminated or shocked by the thought? Dave took a deep breath, caught his composure and foolishly suggested that after the coldest longest winter for decades allotments were in disarray and having little lists now was little silly now.

The terminator put on his dark glasses, but while he was refocusing his sights and slipping his hand silently into his inner pocket, Dave slipped swiftly and silently behind the queue into the comforting cover of the car park. He was safe, but for how long? They knew where to find him, they knew what he looked like and they had the right to terminate.

A cultivated allotment under threat:

July has come and so has the grim reaper; the terminator is here. Having told miscreants that all plots must be numbered or their number was up, there is no hiding place. Even gates cannot be locked, this is verboten, every plot must be open to inspection (and to thefts) at any time. The terminators have been prowling the pathways inspecting to see if 75% of a plot is cultivated, if paths are more than 75 cm wide, if there are any old baths recycled as water reservoirs, if sheds are too tall, if trees are over 2 metres high, if more than twelve people are assembling on a plot, if anyone needs “a kick up the bum” for uncultivated plots in March, or if anyone is complaining about the central committee.

The terminators are armed with the new allotment rules, where termination or notice to terminate are cited 25 times, it can vary from the sinister “notice of termination”, to “termination and prosecution” or most dramatically to “immediate termination”.

(See here for more details.)

An allotment friend of mine from Belorussia said that she never had rules like this, when she lived in the Soviet Union. She asked.. are allotments places to escape, for freedom ……or are they control zones, where there is no appeal to common sense or any independent authority?

Another allotment holder is considering legal action, though I presume that they should exhaust local authority remedies first.

Every complaint has two sides, even if a one sided blog make a better read. She should remember the old Chinese adage “Don’t go to court when you are alive, don’t go to hell when you are dead”

Strangely this plot has been uncultivated for 5 years, with no action.

One of my elderly neighbours, whose husband has dementia, who comes to the allotment to seek solitude and a little pottering around with some gardening. Her allotment is in a bit of disrepair, but there has been the good sense not to serve a notice on her.

Another plot may not meet the 75% cultivation order but primary school children visit and they need somewhere to sit.

A kick up the bum.

The 28 day warnings to cultivate a plot have been described as a “kick up the bum”. Is anyone elected to kick someone up the bum? Are the site reps being put in an impossible role as an allotment secret police, with a licence to terminate?

Take care, take great care this may be a beautiful summer, but there are terminators on every allotment site, some are sensitive all have a licence to kill the Council’s rental contract. Are they checking that every train runs on time or that every bean is trained in line?

Meanwhile, take care, take great care, take great care of your “runner beans”, or you may become a “has been”……. the terminators are coming … blood and bone adds fertility to the soil.

TERMINATED

Let me know your stories, are the new rules being sensitively interpreted on your site. Add your comments to this blog or e-mail these to me at aphillips@gmx.net for editing anonymously into my next blog.