Beastenders

Walford’s weather seems to be a few weeks behind the rest of the country’s, but whilst the residents are currently still shuffling about in the bleak mid winter, it won’t be too long before they burst into bloom.

This is a prime opportunity for our earnest team of presenters and specialists to study and explore the range of fascinating behaviours these species display at this very special time of year.

Highlights of the series will include:

* Footage from the Branning’s nesting box – sadly this once magnificent family group has been reduced to a solitary member. Yet there appears to be fresh hope, a single white female should be sniffing her way onto the set in the very near future, providing us with the chance to observe the irresistible mating display of this ruthless predator.

* Catch up with the Masood brood, an in-depth study of the dominant female Zainab’s attempts to cast out a miscreant member of the pack. Will she succeed? Kate Humble is on hand to confiscate the matches.

* Stacey, a young vixen, is preparing to give birth. We’ll be watching closely and hope to capture the little one’s arrival as it happens! And praying she doesn’t eat it!

* As the weather warms up, Chris Packham will be attempting to explain the strange behaviour of Christian, a solitary preening male who seems compelled to whip off his tank top whenever the opportunity arises.

* Trina’s tree – we’ve trained a camera on the site from the day this was planted. What on earth will possibly be revealed?

* Live from the watering hole – a whole host of creatures gather in an area known locally as ‘The Queen Vic’ to rest, recuperate and throw drinks at each other. Simon King will be rhapsodizing over the proceedings.

* The sorry story of Billy the weasel – this tiny creature is struggling to adapt to the harsh reality of life on the bitter streets of Walford. Will he survive?

* Road safety appeal – with Leon is the latest in a tragically long line of our furry friends to be mowed down by a reckless idiot, we launch our campaign for speed bumps in the square.

* Viewers have also been busy, sending in footage of Eastenders who have strayed into foreign territory. We’ve got golden shots of Dean Gaffney being sick in a bin outside Wetherspoons, and Phil Mitchell getting heavy handed with a store detective in Tesco.

And, just for larks, we have also decided to release that irrepressible Bill Oddie from the BBC vault and let him loose in the square. Will he go native? Will he go wild? Will they turn on him and tear him apart? Our binoculars are poised and ready folks, so join us for a truly remarkable journey into one of Britain’s murkiest corners – live and relatively uncensored.