My first appointment after dropping the boys at school was with Margaret, my healer.

She gave me a session including meditation. I don't really understand how it all works but I always come away feeling stronger and energised like a battery after it's been recharged.

I was a bit late in to work but quickly knuckled down with my colleague and friend Adam who has been covering my duties while I've been off sick.

On that day it mattered to me more that Adam fully understood my thinking and agreed with my choices and decisions as I can't help thinking he is more likely to be the person who is responsible for evaluating it all at the end of the year.

We went over to my dad's and he took me out for a drive through the country lanes to show me the bluebells.

When I'm with my dad I feel like a little girl again. I feel safe and protected. He makes me laugh with his nagging about proper diets and rest and I love him very much. He too has a little memory box but it was something I made for his 60th birthday before I knew I was ill.

I woke up the next day with a headache and feeling a little nauseous. It may just have been because I had such a late night but I wasn't taking any chances.

I was not due into work so I gave my friend Mandy a call and she took the boys to school and I took some codeine and went straight back to bed.

I had arranged to meet a friend for lunch but the need to curl up in bed was stronger so I called my mum and she said she would pick the boys up from school.

Lewis had his friend Ben to stay and Jacob went to stay at his friend Oliver's. I was woken at 4am. Lewis and his friend thought it was morning. I swiftly turned off the Playstation and returned them to their beds. They were very funny and giggled continually so it made it quite hard to settle them down.

I am delighted that my sons remain happy and are getting on and enjoying life and I'm very conscious that their friends will be of special importance to them once I've gone.

My mum called over with relatives from Canada I haven't seen since I was 18. It was my first time abroad and I stayed for three months.

Then my school friend Claire arrived. She was visiting from Guernsey and we had many missed years to catch up on. When Claire left I noticed she was crying as she walked away.

I chose an inappropriate family movie tonight. It turned out to be all about a family and how they were behaving badly to their oldest brother's girlfriend.

The mother who was pivotal to all was simply desperate to see all her children settled and felt his bride was the wrong choice.

It transpired the mother had breast cancer. It had quite an impact on me as I could relate only too well to it. At one point I sloped off and had a little cry in the bathroom. Fortunately it was all way above the boys' heads and they just thought it was a rubbish film.

On Sunday we had been given tickets by the Chinese State Circus. The show was amazing and I whooped and wooed throughout, embarrassing the boys.

I was so excited and knew the boys had never seen anything like it before so it will be a really good memory for them.

On Monday evening we went to the Premiere Wrestling at Worthing Assembly Hall which was highly entertaining. When we went for Jacob's birthday the commentator had forgotten to read out the announcement so he had invited Jacob back to draw the raffle. When we got there it was even more exciting as he was given the job of helping out ringside with the bucket and water. Jacob was quite shy about that kind of thing so Lewis very enthusiastically took over at half time.

I felt so proud of them and after the show we had photos taken with a couple of the wrestlers and got autographs so now they have even more special things to go into their memory boxes.

When I look at the boys in that type of situation I get a really deep warm feeling inside. I guess that's about love and pride but also about really knowing someone and understanding them and wanting to protect them. It bothers me there isn't anyone else who can instinctively feel for them like I do.

I had an appointment with the occupational health doctor to assess whether or not I am fit enough to work. It was all very strange, really. The doctor was lovely and I listened as he explained the stages of grief and how grief equates to loss and I knew he was relating it to me and where I am at.

But I could only think of my children and loved ones as I tried to find anything at all in what he was saying that I could use to help them.

I do intend to give the Cancer Counselling Trust a call to see if there is any more that I could be doing but in terms of my own loss I don't particularly want to think about never seeing friends and family again.

I don't want to think about all the fantastic things I will miss out on, like watching my children grow up and becoming a grandmother. I just want to enjoy what I have and live for now.

Later I had a migraine which wiped me out for the rest of the day. It amazes me how much I sleep with these migraines. I go out like a light and sleep so deeply and I'm totally oblivious to all around me.

I don't want to dwell on it but I do keep wondering what it will be like at the end and if I'll feel pain or just float away. I know which is my preferred choice.

Nothing could prepare me for the news I got today. My best friend Lesley had had a stroke. I had my MRI scan and then went straight to the emergency assessment unit where I found Lesley's husband Alan.

He told me Lesley had thought she had a migraine coming and then collapsed in the kitchen just before the school run.

I love Lesley very much and she is always my first port of call whenever I need a friend or simply need to smile. She is always good fun, a beautiful person, and I want to be by her side.

Later I went for my tea with the Lady Boys of Bangkok. The Lady Boys were all really lovely but they speak very little English. The show and company were fabulous but I couldn't help missing Lesley.

After the show we all met up in the pub and I ended up very, very drunk and crying in the kitchen with my friend Kelly.

What happened to Lesley simply isn't fair and I don't want this to be happening to her and her family.

We're all going through enough and I am prepared for what's coming to me but I see no reason for this happening to Lesley who brings nothing but joy and laughter into our lives.