School holidays are here and we are making the most of them.

After a quick pack we were off to Portsmouth to catch our boat. The cabins were a bit of a squeeze - let's just say you would need to get on with your fellow travelling companions. Luckily we all do.

We were late to bed but I think our concept of time and reality had shifted with the tide. My sleep patterns have shifted too and are really messed up at the moment.

It's 4am and everyone is sleeping. There are so many people on this boat but all I can hear over the hum of the engine is the sound of relaxed breathing from my mum and the boys.

I'm tired and really want to be sleeping too but for some reason am unable to. I think I am in training to come back as a nocturnal animal and I realise I am trapped in a far too overactive mind.

I reflect on our day and my life in general. Although there have been some really difficult times I do believe everything happens for a reason. I don't have any regrets and I would not change anyone or anything that's been part of my life.

Why is it with those breakfasts where you pay to eat as much as you can I always subconsciously enter into a competition with myself? Sad!

In the evening we had a lovely meal. The boys have made a friend and so have Mum and I. Ian seems lovely but lonely. I wonder if he is a widow and I think about Tom and miss him terribly.

I seem to be focusing on men travelling alone. I concentrated my efforts at dinner on the man eating his meal sitting opposite an empty chair.

He was probably in his 70s and I imagined him suddenly having to function as on his own after years of being the other half in a relationship.

It seems unfair and there was a real sense of loneliness.

I don't want it to be like that for Tom and although I can't imagine another woman raising my children or living in my house I don't want to think of Tom ever being on his own. He has far too much to offer a relationship and deserves to be loved and looked after.

On Thursday we got up at 6am and disembarked in northern Spain at 7am. We drove to a little fishing village and had a coffee and a guided walk. Unfortunately I wasn't well enough to go very far so Jacob and I went back and waited in the caf.

I love the way Jacob is so considerate and seems to be in touch with how I am feeling and is ready to stay by my side. He makes me laugh and he has a wicked sense of humour.

It's been a great trip and I really feel like we've had a holiday. On Friday the sun shone and mum and I sat on deck and sunbathed. The weather was fine and I love that feeling of the sun on my face.

We had to get assistance to disembark which I found quite strange. Waiting with the elderly and disabled reinforced my own vulnerability. I like to be thought of as strong, independent and willing to help others. I would rather be the rescuer than the victim.

I am so fed up with the nights. Every night I am wide awake, my body hurts and I am desperate for sleep which does not come. Then I wonder if it's all part of the process. I know I'm getting more and more tired and I wonder if there will come a day when my body will finally fail without sleep and give into it forever.

I made a decision that I will go to my GP for sleeping tablets as a back-up. The last thing I want is more pills but this really is becoming too much.

On Sunday 15 friends and I went for a charity bike ride for St Barnabas hospice - where I'm likely to spend my final days.

As we checked in I wondered if I will recognise the faces again or if they will recognise mine.

Jacob, Lewis and Tom did the ride too and I felt very proud of them. Lewis in particular amazed me. He was probably the youngest cyclist there with his heavy old BMX bike but he never complained. He chatted, smiled and laughed the whole way round.

Another little ambition was fulfilled on Monday - not necessarily mine, but it was lots of fun. Jacob loves anything to do with wrestling at the moment and he has been desperate to go to a World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) show which I have been desperately trying to book for ages.

Just when I was giving up my friend Neil called and - believe it or not - there was a show in Worthing. Not WWE but wrestling all the same.

I asked Lewis if there was anything special he would like and he said WWE. Oh well, you can't win them all.

On Wednesday I collected my prescription for sleeping tablets - it's expensive being terminally ill. Jacob, Lewis and I spent the morning writing forfeits and wrapping layers of gifts for Jacob's birthday bash. I had to go to the gastroenterology clinic to see about the problems with my bowel. It was not the nicest experience of my life. The good news is that it does not seem to be my cancer which is causing the problems but the bad news is I've got more pills to try.

I saw Margaret, my healer, and she has given me some great advice.

Basically it amounts to listening to my body and giving in to staying awake. It sounds so simple but it actually makes great sense. I'm always the first person to say listen to your body and sleep when you need it so here's to my new revelation.