Don’t engage in a deep sea divorce tussle

Starring Jeff Daniels and Laura Linney, The Squid And The Whale charts the collapsed marriage of two well-off writers and the poisonous effects their feuding has on sons Walt (Jesse Eisenberg), 16, and Frank (Owen Kline), 12.

Frank's opening line to his brother, "Mom and me versus you and Dad", sets the tone for both the ensuing tennis match and the tragic tug-of-love which runs throughout the film.

Love, anger and divided loyalties are all explored, as the boys bounce back and forth between homes like the ping-pong game which is the only form of recreation at their father's rundown house.

The film's war-of-the-sexes metaphor the battle between giant squid and sperm whales which is one of nature's most ferocious sees Daniels cast as the whale and Linney's tenacious mother as the squid.

In the midst of the Hiroshima-scale emotional fallout, the battling parents seem to forget their children's feelings and, instead of offering them love and support, they serve up poisonous portions of venom and vitriol something, according to Brighton Relate's Carol Buck, which is often an inevitable part of a separation.

"Divorce is a very painful process for everybody," she says.

"But we must remember that it's the children who are the truly innocent parties. They know if it wasn't for them, their parents might not still be in contact and so they feel a responsibility for some of the difficulties which manifest themselves because their parents have to be in contact to do the joint parenting."

According to Government statistics, 153,999 couples decided to divorce in 2004.

In turn these separations broke up the families of around 150,000 children under the age of 16.

And Brighton has its fair share of those familial collapses.

"At Relate in Brighton we deal with a lot of separating parents and we try and encourage them in the midst of their own grief to protect the children.

The parents really want to do it, but it is such a difficult time."

Just like in the film, Carol says these separations can see the venom and vitriol fly, with one child and parent often pitted against the other.

"It's really not fair and should never happen," she says.

"While you want to be open and honest with your children, you have to realise it's difficult to cope with adult feelings and they shouldn't have to.

"Sometimes the children are forced into the position of mediator, you tell your mother this', or you tell your father that'. It's not an effective way to deal with things and can be very harmful for the children."

However, despite the destruction, more and more people are happily looking for help in the right place, adds Carol.

"We always have a waiting list at Brighton, and nationally we dealt with 150,000 people last year.

A lot of people are accessing support because we are all working longer hours and spend less time talking to each other.

"More people are coming to Relate for help and it's good because it's a professional and confidential service.

If you bare your soul to somebody you might meet over the washing line, the next day it can be very awkward."

Her final words are, "No one can come out completely unchanged from a separation but you can minimise the damage, by being aware and looking out for changes in your children". Carol's Advice

• Children will cope best if they believe their parents are sharing responsibility for them telling the children together what's going to happen will show that mum and dad can work together, even if they row about other things.
• Try and have as little change as possible. Children, like most of us, want things to stay the same.

Just think, even moving offices or jobs as adults we have apprehensions.

They want to feel sure that, although their parents are separating from each other they aren't separating from them.

• It's important to give children an opportunity to talk about their feelings.

If they can't talk to their parents then maybe there is an aunt, a grandmother or someone else they can talk to and feel safe.