You are dying to know what my New Year's resolutions are, aren't you?

You must be, because everybody else has been asking me. I'm not sure why. I must look like someone who is in dire need of a total make-over.

Until last week, I hadn't given the New Year's tradition a moment's thought. In fact, I'd forgotten that's what you're supposed to do a week after the Christmas blow-out.

The last time I made any conscious effort to change my lifestyle was seven years ago when I decided to become more tolerant of people. Or was it less tolerant? It definitely had something to do with tolerance levels. Hey ho. Three weeks later I'm sure I was back to my old, inconsistent self.

This year, because of the frequency of the inquiries, I'm thinking of coming up with a few general improvement plans that, I'm hoping, nobody will hold me to if I don't succeed. The secret here is not to provide any way of measuring your progress. If I say I'm going to "exercise more", I could mean "exercise more than a dormant hedgehog", which means I'm already at peak fitness.

The same goes for "eat less," (as in "eat less than a family of six"), "spend less" ("than Elton John") and "be nicer to my husband" ("than I am to spiders I find in the sink").

You see? On the surface these all sound like New Year's Resolutions to be proud of. But in reality, they'd require next to no effort - except the last one. Many is the time I've tried to flush my husband down the plug hole.

Actually, my husband was among those who inquired about my January 1 intentions. When I looked blank, he came up with one for me.

"Why don't you make an effort to lock the car door?" he said. "Or any door, for that matter?"

Attack was my only form of defence. "Why don't you promise to finish the DIY projects you started two years ago?"

He didn't have a leg to stand on. "Why don't you vow to dry your feet before you get out of the bath? I'm fed up with sopping bath mats."

I thought I ought to have the last say. "Why don't you stop nagging me about putting wet feet on the bath mat when the bath mat is still sitting on floorboards that you were supposed to have painted last July."

This got us nowhere. The good and bad thing about New Year's Resolutions is that you cannot force someone else to make the ones you think they should make.

They have to be a personal choice. You can be a witness to them. You can help them along if you see someone stumbling on January 2. But it is futile to dissuade someone from setting out on a life-enhancing experience they believe will bring them happiness, If I make a New Year's Resolution at all, it will probably be: "To be more like myself."

The full version is: "To be more like myself than William Hague." Shouldn't be difficult.