You are walking along the street minding your own business and suddenly you get cannoned into by a body inextricably bonded to a machine at ear level.

A disembodied voice is clearly giving some instructions to the supposed owner of the machine since some strange guttural noises are to be heard coming from the mouth of the bearer of the offending article.

Is it a tribal ritual being played out in the glare of the modern world?

Well yes, it is, in a manner of speaking (pun fully intended!). It is the manifestation of our seemingly irresistible desire to be in constant unbroken contact with our fellow humans.

What did we do for communication before the advent of the ubiquitous mobile phone?

We certainly saved a good deal of money for a start. We also probably enjoyed our friends rather better when it was not possible to be contacted and when we were engaged on the more intimate pursuits of the daily round, the common tasks.

I know people who are so devoted to not missing one single moment of human contact that their phone accompanies them to the bathroom, that traditional hiding place when all human contact used to be avoided as a matter of courtesy, apart from irate fathers yelling at their daughters through the door to get a move on.

Now it is possible to double the negotiating time by dialling up the mobile phone number of the miscreant and entering into "meaningful discussions".

There are moments of human misery when a devoted mobile initiate sees a notice which forbids the use of a mobile phone. Horror of horrors, we might miss the urgent news that the usual arrival time at home for supper will be at the usual time.

Mobiles are very useful tools and can be very helpful in certain situations such as the genuine late arrival of a train, always assuming your voice can be heard over the inevitable cacophony of other information providers.

I am always getting little love letters from the network provider asking me if my phone is working satisfactorily and not to forget that I am the lucky owner of heaven knows how many free minutes of airtime.

I withstand all their blandishments and use my phone when I want to, not when they want me to. If I sound like an insufferable prig, I acknowledge that they are useful things to have in emergencies but I hate the feeling of being at the end of the longest umbilical cord on record.

They are apparently one of the major targets of muggings and it seems as though the phone companies do not have the means, or possibly the inclination, to take the stolen phones off the network as soon as they are reported stolen.

When you add to this the fact that we cannot be certain about possible damage to young users, there are always objections to one more phone mast being erected and the general annoyance that they cause when used indiscriminately, there seems to be a not unreasonable case for making them more expensive.

Over Christmas, dozens of new phones hit the market so your chances of sitting next to a user rose dramatically.

As the insistent ringing hits you yet again, the only thought I can leave with you is the hope that the urgent phone message is one of great national significance, like a meteor is about the hit the earth and destroy all mobile phone lines. Quick, phone The Argus before anyone else does.

Now THAT might be a sensible use of your mobile but you would be competing against all other "fastest finger first" merchants. I can only wish you all a happy phone-free new year.