Alan Milburn's latest ideas for health seemed confused indeed. I wonder if he brought the correct "back of a fag packet" when making his announcement to Parliament? May I suggest an alternative for him to consider that might clarify his thinking?

Remember the Jack Straw mantra "Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime"? How about the same logic for health? "Tough on health, tougher on the causes of ill health." So what you do, Alan, is to legislate to make ill health without medical insurance cover illegal.

But won't this just fill up our prisons with the sick (just like the good old days)? Correct. But those that survive could usefully cross-infect the prison population and so diminish prison numbers, thus saving even more of the public purse.

Further, those "sickies" that do survive and recover could then be transferred to Lord Archer's open prison, where he could counsel them on how to lie in court next time they fall sick so they keep within the law, as he did (or, at least, told us he did).

Result - less surviving sick, lower NHS costs, 'cos you bang 'em up instead of having to make 'em well. If Archer does his job well, you'll have a 100 per cent success rate since everyone will say they have medical insurance (whether they have or not) and the NHS won't have to treat anyone at all, ultimately. Clever, eh?

And the real killer? When this Government leaves office at the next election, Labour can leave the Tories an even bigger problem to sort out than the rail fiasco. Sweet revenge for "Puncher" Prescott and "Bad News" Byers to boot. QED.

-Hon E St Labore, address supplied