Television licensing officers have revealed the top five poor excuses given by Brighton and Hove's licence dodgers.
The city's inquiry officers voted for their most memorable excuses after catching 66 evaders last month.
The top five are:
"I'm not paying - I've got a marriage licence and that's no use to me so why should I bother with one for the TV?"
"You'll never get me in court. I'll say I'm insane and pretend to be a helicopter."
"I am a direct descendant from royalty and do not need a licence because I have Crown Immunity."
"No, I don't live here, actually, and that's not my son calling me 'mum' from the lounge."
"I don't need to pay for a colour licence. I turn the colour down when I watch TV."
Vanessa Wood, spokeswoman for TV Licensing South-East, said: "Our inquiry officers have heard every excuse under the sun, from the cheeky to the crazy and plain daft.
"But people should remember our officers are experts. You won't get away with it."
Licence dodgers can face fines of up to £1,000.
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