TOMAS Santos means no offence when he waves off his guests with the words: Cheerio to your good health, and up your bottom.

Its just that he is not that good at English.

But that has not deterred him from writing a comprehensive guide to one of the worlds most complex languages.

Speak Well English sells itself as an guide for aliens to successful intercourse in the correctly English mode and contains hundreds of hilarious mistranslations.

Mr Santos, from Hove, said: I am visiting in your country from my home land since a little while. At first the native startled me with his tongue but I worked hard in the language college and tossed myself on the mattress at night with exhaust.

So I now speak almost well and I wrote the new phrase book for aliens to master also of it.

Mr Santos describes himself as a well-meaning foreigner of indeterminate nationality.

Despite being an unqualified novice, Mr Santos is a compulsive lexicographer.

Armed only with a collection of battered dictionaries, he has produced what is, perhaps, the most original phrasebook in the English language.

The book covers a range of handy themes, from hotels, restaurants, travel and health, to quintessential English topics such as the Queen and village cricket.

Editor Tom Cutler says the book intends to inform and entertain in equal measure.

The guide offers its readers such lucid constructions as: Shut the fence! and If it is not busted, not repair them.

Former Tory MP and journalist Gyles Brandreth said: Tomas Santos has a way with words thats unique. I wish he had taught me English.

Mr Santos says he has not been in Britain for very long. He has settled in Sussex and is studying English in one of Hoves language schools.

He was motivated to write Speak Well English, he says, by a desire to improve on the incomprehending phrasebooks in the shops.

Besides writing, Mr Santos enjoys swimming, flying, and music. His band, Wind, String And Faggots, is popular on the local music scene and his CD, Musical Snatches From Around The World, is due for release.

He said: We get always the warm hand on our openings and every musician is proud of his instrument, no matter if it is the big serpent or the tiny whistler.

Mr Cutlers career has included working as a teacher, set designer, double-bass player, portrait painter, theatre usher, cartoonist, toyshop manager, printer, broadcaster, typographer, lyricist, wine waiter, film editor, puppet maker, media trainer, publications manager, magician, City analyst, magazine editor and communications consultant.

Speak Well English is published by Michael OMara Books and is available from bookshops at £5.99.