HAVE perfect and surreal excuse for being late at work. Initially eyes refused to open and body to move when alarm went off, and when they did it was so slowly that they didn't quite get me to station in time for planned train but only in time for 8.18.

Then 8.18 was suffering from even worse cause of getting parts moving on a Monday morning and didn't manage to rise from slumbering position on platform for a good 20 minutes. But neither of the above are the excuse.

In my case, I know, deep down, that inability to arrive anywhere on time is due to innate character defect, stemming from arrival in world. As my mother never fails to mention when I arrive late anywhere, I got off to a bad start being born three weeks after I was due.

In the trains case though, lateness is due to "increased productivity" - quite the best excuse rail companies have managed to come up with for failing to get self and rest of travelling public to work on time. Newspaper report on subject quotes rail manager who claims companies are "victims of their own success". Increased passenger numbers means they simply cannot get trains to run on time.

Can half understand this theory. After all, own Ford Fiesta zips around happily enough when I'm only one in it - but add a couple of friends or a back seat full of shopping to the equation and it struggles to make it up the gentlest of gradients. Trains though, unlike Ford Fiesta, are designed to carry large numbers of people and one would not have thought that large numbers on them would have impeded their progress.

Nevertheless, as train finally judders off and then stops a hundred yards or so outside station, I decided to develop "victim of own success" excuse for own personal use.

"Sorry I'm late," I announce, as editor gives look that could massacre on arrival at my desk some two hours later. And, before she can say: "Don't tell me, the train was late - again!" manage to inform her: "It's due to increased productivity," adding, "I'm a victim of my own success," for good measure.

Now in case of rail companies the theory - give an excuse that is so ridiculous that no one will dare argue with it - seems to work fine. It's like there being no buffet car due to signal failure and extra carriages, due to lack of rolling stock. None of them make sense and therefore you can't argue with them - sounds logical.

Editor though, ignoring laws of logical argument, seems bent on taking up and analysing excuse under microscope. "Firstly, I've not noticed an increase in your productivity and secondly, if there had been such an increase, it would not have made you late."

"In that case," joined in editor's assistant, who also it seems, has attended rail company school of logic, "if she's not more productive - she can't be late...."

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.