LAST week must have notched up several hours sitting on trains and tubes stranded in the middle of fields and tunnels, for reasons explained by conductors in meaningless numbles such as "grrrr grrr delay... grrr snfff hffff failure... mnnnn frrr da da da da". So, was delighted to hear two separate radio reports suggesting announcements like the above are to be dealt with by the powers that be.

In one, a Railtrack bigwig claimed new digital technology would be installed, making broadcasts crystal clear and announcers' sentences would be expected to follow suit.

No more, he said, would passengers have to tolerate being told their train was late due to "grrr grrr snff hff da da da," or for that matter "due to the engine being positioned in an inversion direction contrary to the flow of the general direction".

Personally would prefer money for digital audio systems to be spent on high-tech trains and signals which did not fail at every junction.

Better a train heading in the right direction, on time, and the odd muffled excuse than the latest broadcasting equipment soldered on to useless old trains.

This morning conductor appears to have found an altogether better solution to the problem. Rather than hiding in his cab, when the lights got stuck at Burgess Hill, he decided to confront us face to face (reasoning correctly that, while most of passengers are apt to fume and swear at a loudspeaker, when faced with a real, live person, we'd all be terribly British about it).

So when he decided to pass through the entire length of the train, pausing at every other cluster of seats to explain: "I'm afraid we're stuck here indefinitely due to problems with the signals," instead of the customary "it's just typical", "bloody British rail" and "you'd think when you pay thousands every year you'd at least get a better service", he was greeted with "oh, that's all right", "not your fault is it", "not in a rush to get to work anyway" and a few other variations on the above insincere expressions.

London Underground could do well to adopt the above routine but has apparently selected a pool of actors, with a variety of accents and intonations, from whom they are planning to pluck announcers who will appease the increasingly angry travelling public.

The favourite is Marilyn Monroe sound-alike whose breathy, sexy drawl will entice rather than command us to "mind the gap" and who no doubt, when we are stuck in a tunnel, will keep people cool with renditions of old favourites such as Happy Birthday Mr Secretary of State for the Environment, Transport and The Regions - Happy Birthday to you.

Only drawback to this option is they seem to have forgotten that half their customers are women.

Shall suggest they send George Clooney look-alike to wind his way through the carriages, before making eye contact and informing us that we may be in the tunnel for some time but if there's anything he can do to help pass the time - he'd be only too happy.

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.