MOST pet owners try to keep their creatures off the furniture.

But a new book puts them firmly on the psychiatrist's couch - offering relationship counselling for cats and dogs.

Author and comedian Gerry Maguire Thompson is targeting the Christmas bestsellers' list with his latest book, Cats Are From Venus, Dogs Are From Mars.

It is a parody of the hugely successful relationships book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

Gerry sets out to explain, in a lighthearted way, why cats and dogs are so disastrous at getting along together.

It is a follow up to a previous book by the Brighton author which proved a surprise hit when it was published earlier this year, called Feng Shui for Dogs.

Gerry, a former architect who quit his job and dropped out of the rat race to write, is relishing the success of his own brand of animal magic.

Counselling

He will be hosting a comedy counselling session for pets at Borders bookshop in Brighton next month and has even been invited to do a tour of pet shops in the States.

Gerry, 52, from Dew Street, Brighton, shares

his home with partner, Elaine Bellamy who is a teacher, but, surprisingly, they have no cats or dogs.

He said: "I've grown up with cats and dogs,

but it is not really practical to have them where we live at the moment.

"It's not a problem because I have lots of friends with pets and, although, ostensibly, the book is about relationships between cats and dogs, it is really about people."

Gerry's theory is simple - men are like dogs, women are like cats.

He said: "Dogs are competitive and always want to be doing things. They love action and adventure, they like getting into cars and going very fast - you often see dogs sticking their heads out of car windows.

"They don't really understand what the fuss over intimacy is all about.

"They look guilty when they've done something wrong and they're hopeless at lying.

"When they've done wrong you have to give them

firm treatment and painful punishment. They beg a

lot.

"They try to make out they are savage and dangerous, but their bark is usually worse than their bite. Just like men."

He added: "Cats are the complete opposite of this. They know how to 'just be'. They can't see the point of unnecessary exercise.

"They're mistresses of

subtle and indirect communication.

"They're great at sulking and they can use pointed silences with devastating effect. They preen, groom and pamper themselves incessantly. They're fussy eaters. They enjoy torturing helpless creatures. They know how to tease. See what I mean?"

Gerry says the book is intended to be an affectionate parody of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

It is illustrated by Brighton artist Maddy Hardie, from Tidy Street, who worked with Gerry on his previous

book.

He gets much of his inspiration from people-watching and does most of his writing in cafes.

He wrote his latest effort in the cafe at Infinity Foods in Gardner Street, Brighton.

Gerry said: "I am a great one for people-watching and the North Laine is a brilliant place to do it.

"In the summer I write on the beach, in the winter I write in cafes."

Humour

Gerry, who has also written a number of serious books on other subjects, says humour is a great way of

getting a message across

and believes animals can teach us about human relationships.

He said: "Suddenly I'm regarded as a pet writer and invited to tour pet shops. That's great but I'm keen to point out there is a human side to it."

Gerry runs comedy classes at the Cornerstone Community Centre in Brighton and will be reading extracts from the book and giving lighthearted counselling at Borders in Churchill Square on November 10 at 7pm.

l Cats Are From Venus, Dogs Are From Mars is published today by Godsfield Press, price £4.99.

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