IT'S The Mother's birthday tomorrow. "Don't you dare tell anyone how old I am," she warned. But if I were her it's not my age I'd want to keep a secret, it would be the fact that I was a Scorpio.

Yes, Scorpio, scourge of the zodiac, bitter, twisted, malicious, cross-me-and-you-die Scorpio. That, of course, is if you believe in astrology and read your horoscope every day.

Actually, The Mother is quite a nice old thing. . . well not really old, more of an age when people say, as they have done about her: "My, I bet she WAS pretty when she was young."

Me? I'm a nice, friendly Aquarian. Unlike Scorpios, Aquarians have nothing to be ashamed about. They're go-ahead, generous, open-minded and just a bit batty.

Evidently more fruitcakes are born under Aquarius than any other sign in the zodiac.

Perhaps it has something to do with Uranus being our ruling planet. Now be very careful how you pronounce that word. Why? Well, next time you're reading your horoscope and see that 'the Sun is in Uranus' try saying those words out loud. Sounds quite painful doesn't it?

Do I believe in astrology? Of course not. The fact that I turn to the horoscopes page first whenever I open a newspaper or magazine is that they're usually near the back of the publication and I'm one of those people who always reads from the back forwards.

Typical batty Aquarian I'm afraid - or I would be if I believed in all this tomfoolery.

But a lot of otherwise quite sensible people do. A friend of mine was alarmed when, during a meeting to discuss his overdraft, he heard his bank manager mutter: "Of course, you're a Leo aren't you?"

And when Ronald Reagan - another Aquarian - was President of the U.S. it's said he wouldn't leave the White House unless his stars, or bossy old Nancy (bet she was a Scorpio), told him it was OK.

Hitler, too, was reputed never to make a move without first consulting Mein Horoscope. Didn't do him much good, though, did it?

Surprisingly, nasty Adolf wasn't a Scorpio, although he behaved like one. He was a Taurus. . . well, I suppose you could say he spouted a lot of bull.

Recently I've started to notice that people you meet are not so much interested in what you do, as what star sign you were born under.

Everyone beams when you say you're an Aquarian (I suppose our eccentricities can always be relied upon to

provide a little light entertainment) but I'd be a bit embarrassed to admit I was a Virgo.

You can just hear the response: "Oh, surely not at your age, dear!"

I'd also be wary of telling everyone I was born under the sign of Cancer, the crab. There'd be all those cracks about coming out of my shell.

Pisces, the fishes, also sounds a bit wet and watery, though one Pisces I know is so savage I reckon her fishes are piranhas.

And as for Aries the ram, I don' think I have the energy to live up to that reputation - wrong sex for a start.

But I'll have to leave you now. I haven't bought The Mother her birthday present yet. And believe you me, if you've ever felt the sting in a Scorpio's tail, you know you'd best not forget. Ouch!

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.