As queries go, it was very small, hardly worth an "Excuse me" or a "Sorry to bother you but ..."

It did, however, require an answer before I could return The Form.

The Form came from the local council offices and had to be returned within a specified period of time. Any problems, just call this number, it said at the bottom.

So I did. The time was 10.15 on a Friday morning. Get an answer to the question, I thought, and I can pop this in the post before the weekend and it will be in local authority hands on Monday morning.

I called the number and a voice answered almost immediately.

"Hello, I wonder if you could help me ..." I started to say but the voice, female, brisk and in full flow, was not to be interrupted.

It wasn't, of course, a real live person but a recording which thanked me for my call and explained that council office phones tended to be busier in the mornings so I could be in for a long wait. It advised me to call back later in the day.

In case I was about to ignore the advice, another voice (recording), also female and equally efficient, came on the line.

"All our advisers are busy. You are in a queue. You are being charged for this call," she/it said.

"In other words, get lost," I muttered, and was just about to slam down the phone when a male voice, also recorded but far more friendly, started to speak.

It didn't exactly say, "Hang on a minute", but it did tell me that my call was, in fact, next in the queue to be answered.

These words had barely registered in my brain before a third female voice butted in.

"These offices are exceptionally busy," it announced curtly. "You may be kept waiting for some time. We do apologise. You may prefer to call back later."

Indeed I will, I thought, but almost immediately the male voice returned, reassuring me that my call was still next in the queue to be answered.

"Yah, boo, sucks!" one of the female voices that had just returned to the fray should have said, but didn't.

Instead I was told, yet again: "All our advisers are busy. You are in a queue. You are being charged for this call."

"Damn!" I said. "How about a coffee?" said The Mother.

"How about lunch?" I said, looking at my watch. I had been on the phone for almost 15 minutes.

Just after 10.30am, my patience and tenacity finally exhausted, I hung up on Mr Friendly and Misses Brisk, Efficient and Curt. I was going out for the rest of the day so there was no chance of calling back later.

"Have a rotten weekend," I snarled into the phone as Miss Curt started to remind me I was being charged for the call.

On Monday morning I tried the same number again.

"Sorry to have kept you waiting, our phones are very busy in the mornings ..." said a female voice.

"Oh, sod off!" I said angrily. "Pardon?" said the voice.

I froze with embarrassment. "Sorry," I said. "This is a very bad line. I can't hear you very clearly."

"Well I can hear you quite clearly!" said the voice.

"Oh dear, I thought you might be a recording," I giggled.

The voice didn't respond except to ask me to state my business. I did.

"You have the wrong number," said the voice. "Hello - are you still there ...?"