It's the sort of night where no one's a winner and everyone's a loser," quips Simon Goodman, from Brighton air guitar band, Piss.
He is talking about the UK Air Guitar Championships, a legendary event which mixes the Spandex rocktasticity of Spinal Tap with the silliness of Monty Python.
The contest is the brainchild of organiser DJ Disastronaut (aka Jeff Reed), who started it in Brighton in the now-defunct Lift club in 1995.
There is something reassuringly disturbed about him. It might be the autopsy scars he has tattooed across his wrists and neck or his unpredictable wardrobe.
Whichever, the American who was a familiar sight around Brighton until he moved to London a few years ago, sets the tone, style and mood for this remarkable event, deliberately held in venues five times too small to create an air of exclusivity.
The championship has now gone national with 16 regional heats culminating in a London final.
All sorts of people come out of the woodwork to stroke those imaginary fret boards with conviction.
The nation's secret strummers take to the stage for three minutes each to play their invisible guitars, with marks given for stage presence, crowd reaction, complexity, speed, style and dexterity.
Heavy-metal tension fills the air as riffs from AC/DC and Aerosmith are worked through, accompanied by a catalogue of dramatic rock grimaces.
Former winner Steve Cake recalls his triumph, saying: "I plucked out the first bar of Duelling Banjos, a song somewhat tainted by images of inbred hillbilly sodomy from hick-flick Deliverance.
"They were terrified. A mortal transgression had occurred in that banjos are not technically guitars.
"We sped up, fighting each other for stage space. We added distortion and just started thrashing."
In past years, winners received a stringless guitar trophy, which was smashed to bits on stage.
Last year, Fender sponsored the event and gave the winner, Satan, a genuine Stratocastor guitar.
Satan, who doesn't play any instruments, smashed up the £700 prize anyway and the crowd went wild.
This year's sponsor is Virgin Mobiles, which will give away phones with MP3 players instead.
It has also been decided to bring the destroyable stringless trophies back.
The show starts at 7pm and tickets cost £2.99.
Call 01273 772770 or log on to www.ukairguitar.com for further details.
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