All I wanted to do was submerge myself in a bath filled with ice cubes but it wasn't possible for two reasons.

Firstly, there were barely enough ice cubes in the freezer to fill an eggcup and, secondly, it was three in the morning.

At three in the morning you're meant to be asleep. Well you are in my house where after lights out all you hear is the faint (sometimes not so faint), sound of snoring coming from my bedroom.

You do not hear the sound of running water, cool, refreshing, running water - so desirable on a humid night in Heatwave Britain 2003.

Unable to sleep, I crept down the hallway, careful not to disturb The (sleeping) Mother and went into the bathroom.

Here I took off my Winnie-the-Pooh nightshirt and rubbed a flannel soaked in cold water over my nooks and crannies. Then I went downstairs for an equally cold drink.

Staring out of the kitchen window into the darkness, I thought I glimpsed a movement in the back garden.

At three in the morning you tend to think the worst. Was it a prowler? A giant cat? The Creature from the Black Lagoon?

Common sense said this was unlikely but better check that the back door was locked. It wasn't.

Who was it who had said she would lock the doors, back and front, before going to bed? Well it wasn't me. Quickly I turned the key.

"We'll be having a few words about that," I muttered glancing up towards The Mother's bedroom. "If we'd been murdered in our beds you'd have blamed me."

I stared into the darkness again, wondering if there would be further movement in the garden.

Then I saw it, a small red glow advancing towards the back door. I held my breath and stood against the kitchen wall.

Someone - something - was trying the door handle. The red glow flickered and then went out.

"Ouch!" I heard someone cry, and then the someone swore, quite loudly, there was no attempt to muffle the sound.

I knew who the intruder was. I opened the door and there she stood, five ft of Angry Mother, brushing the front of her Marks and Sparks nightdress.

"Look what you've made me do," she said. "I've dropped my cigarette down my nightie."

"How could I make you do that? I wasn't even there," I said, annoyed myself now.

"Well, it can only have been you who locked the door, making me think I was shut out for the night," she replied. "That's when I panicked and dropped my cigarette, so it was your fault."

"What are you doing out here anyway?" I asked, stepping outside to join her in the garden.

"The same as you - trying to cool down and get some fresh air," she said.

I looked at her and sniggered.

"It's a good job it's dark and no one can see you standing there in your nightie," I said.

The Mother looked me up and down. "Oh, I don't think people would be looking at me," she said. "I doubt they'd be able to take their eye off you."

I looked down and saw immediately what she meant.

"I know it's dark, but if you're going to stand out here for much longer, I really think you should put some clothes on," said The Mother.

If it hadn't been so dark she would have seen me blush.