It was with dismay and total disbelief that while relaxing in my living room, which is jointly owned by my building society and my wife and I, I was mentally raped.
This brutal act was inflicted by a Nanny State and its accomplices were Channel 4 directors and the participants of the TV programme Wife Swap on Tuesday, October 7.
The weapon used in this crime was the revelation that if one does not take responsibility for one's own actions and produces enough kids as a consequence, then the State will provide you with an income that many professionals would be envious of (circa £37k).
The good news is that if I play my cards right, there is probably an allowance I can claim for all this stress - although, obviously, apart from the fact I am too ignorant of the system to be aware of it, I will not qualify for it anyway because 25 years (or so) ago I was stupid enough to join the "Middle England" club.
This membership automatically excludes membership of any other social grouping that the Government may identify as qualifying for anything - except increased tax bills of course.
Although I thought I was middle aged and at the peak of my chosen profession, earning what I considered to be an above average and decent living as reward for the many years of night school and dedication to passing professional examinations, in reality I must be older because I was reared by a family of dinosaurs.
Mummy dinosaur was from an age which taught that honesty, pride in one's own achievements, independence, self-respect, self-reliance, and taking responsibility for one's own actions were the working-class man's tools for surviving and prospering in this life.
Frankly, I find it bewildering that in an advanced western civilisation these virtues and values that have been recognised and cherished for decades, if not centuries, are not woven into the very fabric of our social system.
But modern western civilisation is now so advanced that these once desirable qualities are redundant.
Apparently the best way to earn an above average standard of living is to get the State to sponsor childbirth.
It is based upon the "Fun Fair Philosophy" and works like this. The more times you try to hit the bell with your sledgehammer, the more chance you have of sending a projectile all the way to the top to get the jackpot.
Every time you hit the jackpot the State pays you an index-linked allowance for the next 16 years.
It's fun, satisfying and, best of all, you don't need any qualifications, apart from the ability to pull a bird.
-Mr R Hyttner, Hove
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