Vote for the D.I.N.N.E.R. Party

Don't know who to vote for? The D.I.N.N.E.R.(Dishy Ingredients, No Nagging, Eat to Repair) Party is here to give you straight- forward, no-nonsense answers and pull you out of the total apathy that's inflicting the electorate.

Here's a selection from our manifesto:

POLITICIANS start out with ideological values but lose sight of them between the cardboard sandwiches and tepid coffees. When we knock on your door, please don't pelt us with rotten vegetables.

Instead, use them to provide a nourishing soup to keep us in good temper when asked tricky questions.

SITTING at a desk dealing with irate letters all day makes MP's feel dehydrated, grumpy and unfit. Instead of the usual vending machines, our HQ is equipped with ice-cold, filtered water, fresh fruit and special recreational areas where we can strut our funky stuff to James Brown.

WE veto any food grown on poor-quality soil containing poisonous residues or antibiotics.

Top priority is given to the Real Food campaign run by Friends Of The Earth to safeguard all forms of wildlife, including humans.

THE more lethargic the electorate, the easier it is for mad, nutritionally-deficient dictators to sneak into power.

Our party, of course, is always open to negotiation we'll even allow an occasional compromise on Clause 1.1.a. of our manifesto stating that five portions of fruit and vegetables should be eaten daily and chocolate only on Sundays.

PREVENTION is better than not being cured. To ease the burden on the NHS, every man, woman and child should be entitled to nutritional therapy. Less sickness equals less cost, more productivity and higher morale.

TRANSPORT and traffic calming are high on the agenda to combat pollution and road rage. Our proposals include rickshaws for the superfit and a tram system for the rest of us. Brownie holiday points for those who walk to school and work.

PART of our foreign policy is to pinch good ideas from other countries, such as the Swiss way of disposing of rubbish. The more garbage they throw away, the more expensive their binliners. It means unwanted compost, metal, plastic, paper, glass, oil or electrical items are less likely to be thrown away and more likely to be taken to free collection points for recycling.

Responsible and decisive leadership has nothing to do with being likeable.

Our policies may be unpopular at first but will revolutionise the health of the nation in the long term.

So keep sending in the recipes and most importantly, turn up on polling day to give us your vote!