Has the West Pier really progressed from being a white elephant into becoming as dead as a dodo?

"Yes", we are told after the Heritage Lottery Fund declined to provide about £20 million for the restoration project. "No", we are then informed shortly afterwards as new survival plans are cobbled together.

It's beginning to reach pantomime proportions. The pier is dead - altogether now: "Oh yes it is... Oh no it isn't."

Meanwhile, back at the beach, West Pier Trust chief executive Dr Geoff Lockwood is attributing some blame for the grand old lady's predicament to "lawyers, gangsters and bureaucrats". A motley crew if ever there was one.

While I'm not a member of the Al Capone Appreciation Society or the Kray Twins Fan Club, isn't it a bit unfair on gangsters to compare them with lawyers and bureaucrats?

And shouldn't we be provided with fuller details about these mobsters? Who are they? Humphrey Bogart-types snarling out the corners of their mouths? Do they stroll along the prom wearing fedora hats and dark suits carrying Tommy guns in violin cases?

More fascinating is what have they been up to in respect of the pier?

I'm waited with bated breath for Dr Lockwood to reveal further details about them and their nefarious activities.

-Fred Boulden, Brighton