Now don’t get me wrong – I like fashion as much as the next person (possibly more) and a trip to the handbag and boot aisle of a half-decent store can send me into a feeding frenzy: a search is party required for removal, etc. However, I’m a tad behind on current high street style. I blame spending time in the mountains of Spain, where a pair of flip flops and a strappy dress will hold the fashion fort (or lack of it) for half the year, at least. However, even if I occasionally have to look up names such as “boyfriend jumper” and “body-con”, it’s easy to identify all that belongs to the 80s. Sigh!

The thing is... I’m not convinced that the 80s trends were all that fantastic first time round. And seeing middle-aged women strolling round Brighton in voluminous 80s-styled jumpers that resemble giant, woollen squares with cowl necks cut out of the middle (shorter name, please?) has done nothing to change my opinion. The tight leggings and pumps worn by large-legged mature women’ during the last couple of years have proved bad enough. And now the town centre is full of pixie boots with cuffs. “You look potted in those,” said my friend who used to work in fashion, tut tutting at a red pair of calf-length red pixie boots I misguidedly bought in 2007. That was the end of my foray into “the 80s in the noughties”. But the tirade in the stores is never-ending. For your Christmas soiree, my dear, we have batwing sleeves flapping over the hors de oeuvres, strange boxy jackets with sequins (reminds me of my friend’s formidable Mum back in 1985) and a touch of lurex that rightly belongs to a dodgy ‘Dave’s’ disco (you know, one of those wedding discos with flashing lights), not forgetting the large plastic handbags. Oh, must we!

Meanwhile, for those who aren’t the trimmest of shapes, it would be easy to get it wrong with the cheaper ‘body-con’ dresses and end up looking like one of the ‘Fat Slags’ out of the fabled Viz comic magazine from ‘oop North’ – particularly if you’ve eaten one too many Mars Bars. I had a friend at school who used to favour body-con dresses, as she spilt out of the fabric from every angle and could “pull” endless blokes in the Bigg Market (aka “meat market”). At least it hasn’t got to the point of white stilettos, big perms complete with fuzzy blonde highlights, guys wearing tuxedos with white shoes, and oversized t-shirts bearing slogans such as “Frankie Says Relax”. As for lyrics of the time, do you remember the ‘Wham Rap’ – the one that goes “say DHSS, DHSS... enjoy what you do” What would it be now? “NHS-less... NHS-less... Say A&E, no space for me... yeah, yeah”.

If reliving 80s ‘style’ isn’t bad enough, I’ve spotted some individuals strolling around Brighton in the wind and rain wearing denim mini-shorts with white pumps and black tights (err, great for stepping in puddles), and others wearing summer shorts and t-shirts without any jackets. Two lads who boarded the bus in Peacehaven last Friday were clad in their summer outfits and claimed not to be cold (I bet they regretted their bravado when the heavy rain and wind started). And, last night, there was a surf-styled lady in the Rottingdean Tesco wearing flip flops, shorts and a t-shirt... c’mon it really isn’t that warm!

Call me an old bore but I reckon the 80s are best left to those who are under 20 (and, hence, didn’t experience it first time round) and if it’s cold, folks should avoid pretending that it is summer - as if they’re strolling around Malaga, not Marine Parade. Like a nun choosing her habit, the word “appropriate” should be applied to our attire here in Blighty... and, much as it’s amusing, the girl who was wearing fetish-wear and thigh boots in Barclays Bank at lunchtime to pay in her cheques certainly wasn’t familiar with the old adage of “dress for the occasion”.