Paris Hilton's British Best Friend was a bit like the Apprentice. Everybody who applies to that show wants to be Alan Sugar's best friend. They just can't admit that, so pretend it's the business opportunity which interests them, not hopping into a helicopter every time they need to nip to Waitrose for milk, or to the bank of England for a gold bar. PHBBF was more honest in it's approach. 12 people get themselves a fresh spray tan and some clip-in hair extensions and dedicate their life's blood to convincing Paris that they really, reaaaalllly like, like her, and admire her, and oh my God, it would just be the best thing ever if I could be your friend Paris, because all of these others are just doing it for the fame, pick me Paris, pick meeeeeee! See? Straight up.

Paris, who has the cold dead eyes of a killer, and speaks in the kind of monotone voice which normally announces the next train to arrive at Platform 2, got the producers to think up some humiliating tasks for her little puppies to perform. The she invited along a fellow celebrity, who she made out is like, one of her best friends ever, but the chemistry between them suggested that although their agents may have spoken before, they had not, to pick a potential BBF from the wide-eyed, chasm-brained hopefuls. Then she ignores their advice.

She reminded me of the Roman Emperor, Commodus. They have a lot in common. Every week, once the idiots had half killed themselves trying to please her, she gathered them together in a pink crystallised ampitheatre, perched her bony behind on a glittery throne and chose one wobbly-lipped unfortunate to be taken out the back and shot. I mean sent home.

“Dio Cassius, a first-hand witness who had no reason to defend Commodus, describes him as "not naturallywicked but, on the contrary, as guiltless as any man that ever lived. His great simplicity, however, together with his cowardice, made him the slave of his companions, and it was through them that he at first, out of ignorance, missed the better life and then was led on into lustful and cruel habits, which soon became second nature."

Paris strikes me as pretty guiltless, she has an entire room in her house filled with jewellery. In the first episode, she insisted all of the contestants needed to get a hot new look, and it would seem, instructed the hairdresser to mutilate them, because most of them left the salon in tears. If she's not busy being lusty, Paris is quite partial to be cruel.

Paris also likes to keep over-bred chihuahuas as pets and dress them up to look as hot as she does. I suspect that when she gets bored of one, or it leaves a damp patch on the rug, she has a member of her staff drop it down the garbage disposal.

Commodus was from a similar school of thought when it came to animal rights:

“Commodus was also known for fighting exotic animals in the arena, often to the horror of the Roman people. According to Gibbon, Commodus once killed 100 lions in a single day. Later, he decapitated a running ostrich with a specially designed dart and afterwards carried the bleeding head of the dead bird and his sword over to the section where the Senators sat and gesticulated as though they were next. On another occasion, Commodus killed three elephants on the floor of the arena by himself. Finally, Commodus killed a giraffe which was considered to be a strange and helpless beast."

As you’ll now no doubt be delighted to hear, a new series of the show – Paris Hilton’s Best Friend Forever - has just finished filming in Dubai. Yes, that’s right, a predominantly Muslim country where swearing, provocative clothing, exhibitionism, all those things that Paris is famed for and the previous series was based around, don’t make you too popular.

Cultural sensitivies are said to have been taken into account, but do you think Emperor Commodus would have been all that bothered about offending an entire nation if he wanted to wear a bikini in a public place? He’s been cited by many a historain as the person responsible for kicking off the fall of Rome, thanks to his selfish impulsiveness. Perhaps Paris will be similarly to blame for the beginning of the fall of Hilton? Oh, I do hope so.