“Fame is like a shaved pig with a greased tail, and it is only after it has slipped through the hands of some thousands, that some fellow, by mere chance, holds on to it!” – Davy Crockett

With the most recent series of Britain’s Got Talent resigned to a dusty memory for most of us, it’s down to X Factor, BGT's bigger, bustier sister, to muscle back onto the screen and remind us who’s in charge of the Saturday night schedule. ITV, that’s who. They’ve got 27 episodes of this stuff. It’s going to take us through to Christmas. Best get comfortable. Or move to the continent.

Yet again, thousands of frothing wannabes have auditioned for this programme, and all it represents to them. Desperate to pin down that iridescent little sucker, the elusive and oily master of them all...FAME!

The judges are all set to part the sea of potential performers and discover the home-baked stars of the future. However, I don’t think that anybody who watches X Factor is particularly interested in seeing the next big thing unearthed, spray tanned and served up to the world. Genuine, unstoppable talent normally outs itself, without having to go through a weekly vote-off to prove its worth. Or bribe the judges with a sob story about Nan and her impending cataract operation.

Even so, there are a few basic rules by which potential contestants can ensure their destiny. If you can make the judges cry, or glaze over with unbridled lust (either for your hot young body, or your marketing potential), you’re in. If you make them snigger or call security, you’re out. Out, but not yet forgotten.

Because X Factor is all about the auditions. Let’s be honest, it’s the misfits we all tune in for. The aggressive rejects, the socially inept, the tone-deaf, the deluded and the desperate to get on the telly by any means imaginable. You’d normally have to sign up for a week at Butlins to get this kind of show.

What makes this even better is that Louis Walsh, the judge with the most experience and the least sensibilities, will normally mistake bizarre for quirky, novelty for longevity, and put them through. A 93-year-old woman who used to sound a bit like Vera Lynn before her adenoids gave out. A middle aged man who can do a passable Shirley Bassey impression. A teenage boy rapping the washing instructions on his pyjamas. Ah sure, Louis loves that sort of thing. Put ‘em through, put ‘em all through!

X Factor, Saturdays at 7pm, ITV