"For some reason or other man looks for the miracle, and to accomplish it he will wade through blood. He will debauch himself with ideas, he will reduce himself to a shadow if only for one second of his life he can close his eyes to the hideousness of reality. Everything is endured--disgrace, humiliation, poverty, war, crime, ennui - in the belief that overnight something will occur, a miracle, which will render life tolerable. And all the while a meter is running inside and there is no hand that can reach in there and shut it off." Henry Miller - Tropic of Cancer

Believe it or not, I reckon that this is basic premise behind Total Wipeout, and the reason that there are people who would even consider taking part in this competition, which could be described as It’s a Knockout, channelling the spirit of the Marquis de Sade.

The man – Darren, a systems analyst from Peterborough.

The miracle - £10,000

The everything endured – an assault course that aims to humiliate, mutilate, and nauseate those seeking to ‘render their lives tolerable’ by taking part.

The weakest contenders are quickly eliminated in The Qualifier by the likes of the Slippery Stairs or the Tumble Tubes. These may sound like ice breakers at a child’s party, but there are absolutely no similarities. You’d be closer to the mark by comparing them to a platform video game – although unlike Super Mario, real people generally aren’t very good at defying gravity or dodging a succession of runaway logs. Disgrace? Humiliation? Got it covered.

Once the required number of contestants have been eliminated, and their spectacular pratfall re-played in slow motion, it’s on to The Sweeper, which involves standing on a plywood podium, surrounded by water, into which each contestant will inevitable by knocked by a rotating arm which circles the platforms. War? Crime? Well not quite, but wading through blood is probably inevitable when they re-surface after being hit in the face by a plank of wood and find they have bitten through their tongue.

The last six to be knocked off will then progress to the next stage, The Dizzy Dummies. This reduces nearly everybody to a shadow. Closing their eyes to the hideousness of the reality they’ve hitherto been seeking to avoid is not advisable at this point. If you’re strapped to a human merry-go-round for 40 seconds and then have to stumble your way across yet another set of obstacles to the finish line, then you’re probably best to concentrate on the horizon, and keep your mouth shut instead. Only three contestants will make it through this round. The rest go and throw up into their helmets.

And so, we come to the Wipeout Zone, the final stage. That miracle, the one that will finally render Darren’s life tolerable, is within his grasp. But first he’s going to have to debauch himself, yet again. This zone is made up of six obstacles: Killer Surf, Barrel Run, Water Wall, Spinner, Rolling Beam and the Launch Pads. Poverty and ennui will seem like a light lunch compared to this.

Having survived all that lot, the winner, Darren, is declared, the prize money awarded, the miracle that the human condition demands he seek out, is accomplished. Something he was never going to find analysing systems back in boring old Peterborough. His meter can be temporarily suspended. Until that is, the BBC come up with something worse and entice him back with another chance to prove his worth, which of course, being Darren, he will never feel comfortable enough in himself to turn down.

Total Wipeout, Saturdays at 7.05pm, BBC1