Animal Park

The Beeb do their best to keep up with the nation and their attention deficit demands; gunning down Top of the Pops when they realised that it had become a byword for lame, organising live web cams at Glastonbury, juicing up Radio 2 with the likes of Russell Brand and Alan Carr. They have proved to us that they have got the hang of edgy and cool, but programmes like this serve to show that they much prefer room temperature.

And to be honest, sometimes, so do I. Ben Fogle and his sensible older sister, Kate Humble, are immensely comforting to watch, in their freshly pressed safari gear and shiny wellingtons. And, dare it be said, something of an inspiration?

They can get enthusiastic about anything. If Darren the pelican has bruised his beak, Ben is on hand to make concerned enquiries, and conduct a full and frank interview with the staff, as they struggle to pin down his wings so that the vet can get a decent shot at him. If Phoebe the llama is due to give birth, Kate is first to the scene with hot towels, soothing music and in-depth speculation on the sex of the imminent sprog.

They must spend hours, smeared with sardines, waiting around for Quentin the otter to emerge from his hole so that they can base a 30 second feature around him. I can’t see Fearne Cotton sacrificing her Top Shop apparel and donning an anorak in order to bring the viewers a delightful and informative piece on three royal pythons, which we will see Kate tackling in episode 6. Or Davina McCall gambolling across to Meerkat Mountain in the punishing rain because rumour has it, they’ve dug a new burrow. And I wouldn’t want to.

OK, maybe I would. But only in some kind of evil spin-off show.

Then there is Lord Bath’s insistence that he has a regular slot on the programme. Kate usually gets the privilege. Unfortunately, Lord Bath is interested in the arts. Even more unfortunately, he thinks that the audience will be too. But Kate clearly went to boarding school – she is used to this sort of tiresome, eccentric preening. More than happily, she fakes an interest in his volumes of poetry, or sits and listens, seemingly enraptured, as he performs his latest piece on the pennywhistle.

Meanwhile, Ben is out commandeering the Longleat pleasure boat or mucking out the elephant house with a child’s bucket and spade. Because he is also a bit posh, the staff like to take a step back and watch him mess up real man’s work. Which he usually does, with splendid aplomb. Bravo Ben! Now let’s shut you in the tapier enclosure and see what happens.

These two are sterling stuff of the true BBC. So blonde. So sensibly dressed. So patient in the face of tedium. I want them to adopt me. Until that happens, then watching Animal Park is the next best thing.

Animal Park, weekdays at 12pm, BBC2