Big Brother viewers are steadily ebbing away. The show has sprung a leak, through which any real interest appears to be relentlessly escaping. No matter how many wide boys, glamour girls or sociopaths Endemol plug it up with, they seem no more able to stop this deluge of discontent than a piece of kitchen towel would be able to block a power shower.

Tired of the gimmicks? Tired of the stunts? Tired of the being promised genuine characters and then tuning in to find of bunch of twenty somethings sitting round in their pants and debating the merits of mayonnaise?

Yes, me too. But we are the British public! We don’t give up that easy! We have an impressive history of sticking with the disappointing. The NHS, public transport, the Eurovision song contest. None of these have shown any signs of improvement in recent years, but we have never whole-heartedly kicked them to the kerb. We just keep trying.

And it is with the spirit of trying in mind that I have devised another means of entertainment to be gained from watching Big Brother this year, without having to rely on the show itself.

Presenting the Big Brother drinking game. A simple concept. I’m sure you know how it goes. You the viewer must knock back a draught of the hard stuff each and every time a house mate does any of the following:

- Looks in the mirror

- Admires their surgically enhanced breasts, which have been coaxed into a child size bikini top

- Eats a bowl of cereal

- Reads the back of the cereal packet in lieu of anything better to do

- Removes an item of clothing in the pool

- Gets frisky with somebody of the opposite sex in the pool

- Gets frisky with somebody of the same sex in the pool

- Makes saucy revelations about their past

- Informs everybody that if they have something to say, they should say it to their face

- Reacts badly when this statement is taken at face value and they are given an honest opinion

- Bitches relentlessly, but with repeated assurances that they are not being funny, it’s just that…

- Covertly adjusts their downstairs equipment

- Unashamedly adjusts their downstairs equipment

- Mutters something evil about a fellow housemate and then goes and gives them a big hug

- Has sexy time with a fellow housemate, staring dead-eyed and expressionless at the camera throughout

- Threatens to leave

- Retreats under a duvet

- Cries

Of course, if you prefer not to spend weekdays evenings depleting your sensibilities and increasing your chances of knocking yourself out on the coffee table, then alcohol can be substituted for any number of other treats. But the point should be that you are observing the interaction and enjoying yourself. It’s only a game show, so let’s go play.

Big Brother, 10pm, Channel 4