Neighbours

Coming at ya from the immaculate cul-de-sac of Ramsay Street, the families who reside here are subject to a whole host of woes. You’d think they would have realised by now that no good can come of living in Erinsborough. You are destined to be shot, run over, or bitten by a poisonous spider. Betrayed, dumped, divorced or abandoned. Knocked up, expelled or grounded indefinitely. You’ll probably get amnesia, narrowly escape a bush fire or be subjected to house arrest by a crazed stalker. Maybe all of the above, if you can resist the lure of a season in pantomine and become a long-serving member of the cast. If you do find yourself with other commitments though, fear not. Another actor will be drafted in to play your character, and take a few bullets for you, until you’ve given up on a singing career and come crawling back.

However, as we know, the sun always shines on TV. Even though you’ve been diagnosed with leukaemia, your child is trapped down an abandoned well, and a relative you fell out with 20 years ago has just arrived unannounced, your neighbours will be beating each other back with blunt instruments in their attempts to be the first to help. Maybe they will throw a lovely pool party or barbecue to cheer you up. If you’re short of cash, or in need of bone marrow, somebody will organise a fundraiser. This programme is fabric softener for the soul.

Occasionally, the writers get tired of tea and empathy, and come up with a storyline so ludicrous, the viewer has to check that somebody hasn’t slipped a tab of acid into their morning coffee. Bringing people back from the dead is a popular choice. As are spectacular disasters. And disastrous weddings. And histrionic funerals. And evil dogs. Yet the entire town somehow manages to function with only one doctor, one lawyer, one shop, one bar and no worries. So turn on, tune in, and zone out.

Neighbours, Channel 5, 1.45pm repeated at 5.30 pm, weekdays