I Predict A Quiet

10) Wearing Band Merchandise. This seems like an innocuous one to me, but it upsets a lot of people. It refers to someone who wears a T-shirt of the group or artist they've come to see. Detractors claim it smacks of parochialism and oneupmanship, as if the wearer is showing they have a greater claim to the band than anyone else. Graham Coxon T-shirts were conspicuous by their absence at Digital, as were Blur ones. I assume wearing the T-shirt of another artist is OK, so credit to the person who braved the evening with an Oasis logo emblazoned across their chest.

9) Girlfriend On The Shoulders. Not a Morrissey song, but males hoisting females above the crowd for a better view (I may be guilty of gender stereotyping here, but it usually is that way round. Unless Sophie Dahl and Jamie Cullum are in the audience). Shakepeare described sexual coupling as 'making the beast with two backs', but detractors claim this is more akin to making the beast with two brain cells, since the obvious result of one person's improved view is the blocked view of half a dozen other people. Despite Digital's high ceilings and Graham Coxon spending 99 per cent of the gig squatting on a low chair, almost invisible to the audience, this was a girlfriend-hoisting free zone.

8) Fidgets. We live in an age of MP3 and ADC technology, but audience members who appear to have chronic ADD (attention deficit disorder) attract heaps of scorn. The complaints cover a wide spectrum of behaviour. During a typical 10-minute spell, a fidget will check their mobile a dozen times for texts or Twitter updates, go to the bar for a drink, go to the toilet, go to the bar again, go to the toilet again, and so on. And all the while they're phoning mates to tell them how great the gig is, even though they haven't listened to a second of it. Thankfully, Ritalin appears to be in good supply in Brighton.

7) Filming Everything. It may not impact too much on other people's enjoyment, but lots of punters are irked by the idea that someone would spend good money to go to a live gig and spend the evening with a camera phone glued to their face. When will they ever find time to watch all that poor-quality footage? Are they a member of the half-machine alien Borg race from Star Trek? Is their mobile caught on a facial piercing? Not too many members of the Digital audience seemed likely to trouble the You've Been Framed research team.

6) BO. As we approach the nation's Top Five gig irritants, few things get up people's noses more than the grating smell of brute. I can happily report that the Digital audience were such a fragrant bunch I felt like Jenny Goolden enjoying a vintage claret. 'I'm getting a hint of rosewater. Is that jojoba? I can detect Opal Fruits.'

5) Bargers. We've all experienced these individuals. You're innocently standing there, looking at the stage, when someone suddenly crashes through you like Manchester United's penalty-box enforcer Nemanja Vidic launching into a challenge with a dump truck. If you're lucky, you'll get a cursory 'Sorry mate' for your troubles before they skittle the next person aside. Fortunately, I've no bruises to show for the May Day gig.

4) Stealth Bargers. Perhaps surprisingly - yet in a completely appropriate manner - Stealth Bargers have nipped in ahead of their more aggressive bretheren, who sit one place below them in the chart. This refers to people who ask: 'Can I just get past?' You shift to one side, assuming they're trying to get to the loo or rejoin their friends at the other side of the venue, then they sidle into the very spot you've just vacated. You're left crammed into an awkward position for the rest of the night, elbows poking into the person behind and breathing now an optional extra. I'm happy to report there was only a smattering of Stealth Barge activity at Digital.

3) Spillers. These are like very clumsy movers and shakers. They've devised a clever technique for avoiding health problems later in life by only ever imbibing a small percentage of their alcoholic drink. They use the rest of it to liberally anoint the hair, clothes and shoes of anyone in their immediate vicinity. If John The Baptist had ever worked in a pub, he would have been a Spiller. Again, Brightonians must be very well-balanced because there was a shortage of spillage action.

2) Tall People. An accident of birth or the height of selfishness? This is such a hot potato, it's surprising it's never been raised at Prime Minister's Question Time. No one expects loftier members of society to avoid gigs completely, but there's a groundswell of opinion that believes they should stand at the back. And there are more extreme factions who believe they should be forced to stand at the back. I'd imagine these same people would form themselves into a mob, light burning torches and chase Peter Crouch out of town if he ever turned up at a gig. As I mentioned earlier, no one past the first five or six rows could see Graham Coxon anyway, but when he did stand up for one song and described himself with the words: 'Tall, innit?' I momentarily felt the hackles of the height haters around me rising. Hope that didn't block the view of the people behind them.

And the most annoying thing about the modern gig experience is....

1) Talking. I once saw the late Gil Scott-Heron stare down two incessant talkers at one of his shows and intimidate them into silence. They looked so scared, I'm not sure if they've ever spoken since. Perhaps the best putdown of all came at a Dexy's Midnight Runners gig when, legend has it, someone who wouldn't shut up was told: 'It isn't the ****ing bingo, love.' Is talking during gigs becoming more of a problem? Definitely. Theories abound as to why this is. Perhaps rises in ticket prices to offset losses from declining record sales mean that 'real' fans can't afford tickets any more, so they're being replaced by wealthier punters who are bored with the Boat Race and 'rather like The Radioheads'. At Digital, while Graham Coxon picked out some folky stylings from his guitar and sang in a hushed tone, two men standing next to me jabbered away at full volume about - I kid you not - Rick Wakeman's Six Wives Of Henry VIII musical at Hampton Court. They carried on, seemingly oblivious to the angry stares from everyone around them and the possibility of ending up like Anne Boleyn and Kathryn Howard. After 20 minutes - when a dissolution of the monobrows looked imminent - there was a collective sigh of relief as they departed, declaring themselves bored by the incidental events taking place on stage.

If this list had been put together just a few years ago, smoking would probably have edged its way into the Top 10. Of course, changes in the law mean that smokers at gigs are now as rare as unicorns. But as a tribute to a bygone age, special mention goes to the woman who decided to light up about halfway through Graham Coxon's set. As she nonchalantly puffed away, anti-smokers seethed and then applauded when she was led away by security. People were left wondering if the modern world is a constant puzzle to her, like a Japanese soldier who doesn't realise the war is over. Does she still try to buy things in shops using farthings and groats? I bet she'd love that Rick Wakeman musical.