Sorting out the future

I have spent pretty much the last few weeks in hospital, on and off.

I had my treatment for bone cancer and my calcium levels were low but not critical.

Then, when I got home, I had an emergency call from the doctor at the hospital saying that there were problems with my liver function tests. In all honesty I am amazed that it has lasted this long.

To cut a long story short, I ended up being readmitted into Worthing Hospital for lots of tests and we discovered that although there were a few problems, in fact there was no cancer in the liver.

Talk about excited. I was so elated to hear the news that when we got home we cracked open a bottle of champagne.

I'm quite sure it was the last thing I should have been doing but you know I just indulge myself and I made the most of enjoying every glass and not worrying about any of the consequences.

The boys have been on their half-term school holidays. We weren't off to a brilliant start with both managing to damage their computer screens but the upside to it was they spent more time out and about on their bikes and I have even managed a little ride myself, which was fab.

We managed a night out to the wrestling and had an absolutely wonderful time. We also had our arranged trip to Thorpe Park with friends which was great and I didn't mind one bit when the oncologist suggested I didn't tackle the rides.

On a sadder note, the Ombudsman has virtually given up on our case against the insurance company over my life insurance policy.

Yet my milk bottle is always half full and an independent financial adviser who reads The Argus made contact with us and has met Tom and me offering support and to take our case on.

Naturally we are delighted and as I told him, at least if all else fails he has given me hope.

A massive part of me wants to expose the insurance company and cries out for justice but in all honesty I feel so tired and unable to fight. I can't bear any bad feeling. I really don't think I would be strong enough to put myself through all that.

Anyway, my poor brain was never that great so I sure don't think it's up to all this now.

Lewis has a bit of an issue at the moment.

He wants me to be buried so that he has a place to go where he can talk to me.

I have reminded him about the memorial tree outside our house and that I hope for a bench to be placed next to it in my memory.

I would so love to get inside Lewis's head sometimes. He comes out with the most bizarre things and obviously thinks a lot about losing me, yet still we manage to argue along with the rest of them.

I know I spoil the boys terribly but I feel no shame there.

While I was in hospital, I spent quite some time researching and thinking about how all their needs will be met after I pass away.

I feel pleased. Although I will never be convinced and don't wish to be replaced, I have drawn up a pretty impressive care plan.

I have also made a more detailed list for my funeral arrangements and have met one of the ministers who will be taking my family service.

Much to my father's horror I have purchased a Victorian nightie to be laid to rest in. I think I may have watched and been influenced by too many old movies.

I have also written all sorts of notes and letters. Actually, I am in danger of being too organised as I think Tom needs things to keep his mind occupied after my death.

I want to do more exciting things with Tom and the boys and to have another holiday but health and finance are not permitting.

Hopefully I can start losing a bit of weight. There is a rumour that I am pregnant. Fortunately for me that would take a miracle.

While I blame the steroids there is definitely an element that I just reap so much pleasure from food - and why shouldn't I?

Pleasingly, I am going to be cutting down on my steroids so hopefully that will help.

I have seen my oncologist who advised me I am mildly diabetic.

I have the most insatiable thirst all the time.

My speech is also getting progressively worse.

He has decided to keep me off the chemo and put me on a new hormone treatment and some new tablets for my dizzy moments, which are more often than not.

Tom spoilt me for Valentine's day with huge heart-shaped balloons, roses, champagne, an enormous card and a mug. Both boys received cards and I wrote Tom a romantic poem and cooked him a meal. Lewis was our waiter.

The past two Valentine's days I have spent in hospital and we really thought I was heading in the same direction this year.

My aim is to get a bit more active - well at least mobile would suit - and to think up more fab and fun things to do while we still can. My beautiful car is for sale, which I guess is an acceptance of sorts.