If I said I was tired it would be one of the world's most underestimated comments. I lie in bed and think of all the fab things I could be doing and I wonder if Jacob and Lewis even know that I didn't make it into their rooms tonight as I usually do just to tuck them in, look at them and adore them and say goodnight. I turn the lights off too.

I'm a bit of a liability at the moment. I keep collapsing which isn't cool. Mind you I did manage two four and half hour walks in the holidays and really enjoyed them. Tom dobbed me into the oncology team and I am not allowed to walk more than a quarter of a mile now.

I am bloated again from steroids and I am back on chemo. I think I am sounding a bit miserable. I don't mean to, but it is so frustrating having no energy.

Lewis and I have clashed a bit over the holiday and I am not sure whether he is angry at me for being ill. Either that or I have just tried to overcompensate and spoilt them. It is easily done.

I want and need so much for relationships to be settled and for the boys to be raised as I want them to be - that's a lot of faith to put into others and I think a very unfair request. You have to hand over your trust. But we are all individual and the truth is I don't have any control over anything when it really comes down to it. I don't have a right to try.

Christmas and new year have truly been lovely and I feel like I am being a right grump. I wish, ironically, that I could have a holiday, but not only can I not afford it, I know that the boys desperately need to settle back into school and a routine.

Jacob was so unwell before Christmas with a flu type bug and poor Lewis seems to be stuck with it now. He has a horrid rash, runny nose and headaches. He looks as tired as I feel. Tom fell down the stairs when dismantling Christmas decorations and has damaged his foot and back and I am basically feeling useless.

My speech is dreadful and I look and feel dreadful. I cannot be left alone yet still all I want to do is walk and cycle, take in the beauty of our surrounding countryside and of course healing and beauty treatments. I was so desperate one day my poor mum and brother's girlfriend Jane, under duress, drove me into Hove to get my nails done and I collapsed in George Street. It was all very dramatic (although I don't remember much) but sheer determination got me to my nail appointment on time. Later I panicked about my toenails being a different colour to my fingernails and how could I possibly die like that. Superficial and sad I know, but I have more and more visions along those lines.

I try not to be miserable and depressing, but this is just a very short and rugged up phase in what I still recognise to be a truly wonderful life.

Please bear with me on this occasion as I am sure it is all a part of a process and even I know no one can go on forever. I do have to insist in my life we all remember to see the irony of it all and remember to smile. Life is life and I believe should be lived to its full after all.

It all just feels so difficult, as anyone who is unwell knows, and I hope my family are as understanding as I give them credit for, although Lewis of late seems more concerned about how much time he will get off school after I die..

There is something angry settling into me and I don't want it. I think it is frustration and I am finding everything so hard to cope with when I have no energy. The boys are high energy children like their mum and yet my own energy isn't keeping up.

I had a massive boost tonight like a cattle prod reminder. I put on my computer for the first time since before Christmas and have received such wonderful emails from you lovely people out there with support and kind words. Thank you so much - it is exactly what I need just now to get me back on track.