OVER the years I’ve worked with many people who attend my courses and workshops who want to be more assertive and feel more confident with other people, with their family, friends and the people they work with.

Most of us recognise that much of our happiness and wellbeing depends on our relationships and interactions with other people. The problem is that some of those people can be very difficult to deal with. They bring you down with their negativity, criticisms or hostility.

Some people drag their heels and refuse to cooperate, while other people are just plain manipulative. Why can’t they just be nice?! We all have expectations and beliefs about the ways other people ‘should’ behave towards us. In my work teaching, training and coaching other people, I find that people often blame the other person – ‘the difficult person’ – for making them feel angry, upset, jealous, guilty and so on.

The thing is other people can’t make you do anything and they can’t make you feel a particular way. They’re not responsible for how you feel or react. You are. Once you accept that you are responsible for the way you react to difficult people, you’ll be in a much better position to manage those difficult people.

The first step is to know what you will and will not put up with from someone else’s behaviour. In other words, you need to know what your limits are. You then have to know what to say and what not say to the other person. This means learning how to be assertive.

Being assertive involves being honest, clear and specific about what you feel, want and don’t want. It means being able to negotiate and compromise, and, when necessary, to stand your ground. You’ll also need to be able to identify solutions and consequences for when the other person refuses to cooperate.

In my book ‘How to Deal with Difficult People’, I explain how to deal with other people calmly, directly and honestly using assertiveness skills and techniques. I explain how to avoid ‘losing it’; how to avoid accusing and blaming or insulting someone when they’re being difficult.

You don’t need to learn a completely new way of dealing with other people. If you just focus on one or two assertiveness techniques at any one time you’ll come across with certainty and confidence.

The result? Other people are more likely to treat you in the way you want: with consideration and respect.

You can contact Gill via her website www.gillhasson.co.uk or email her at gillhasson@btinternet.com.

• GILL HASSON is a tutor, trainer, coach and writer. Her expertise is in the area of personal and career development, and she delivers teaching and training for education organisations such as the University of Sussex and the Friends Centre, in Brighton and Hove and across the South East. Her writing includes books on the subject of resilience, communication skills, assertiveness and emotional intelligence. Gill’s latest book ‘How to deal with difficult people’ is published by Capstone on November 21.