I’ve a couple of questions for you:

Do you think there are some issues which shouldn’t be joked about?

can comedy ever be politically correct?

Jack

Yeah, definitely comedy can be politically correct. Some of the cleverest jokes don’t offend anyone. That said my favourite jokes offend just about everyone. The no go areas tend to be topics that people feel personally connected to such as Madeliene McCann and even Princess Di.

SG

Have you ever stormed off stage?

Naomi Jones

I’ve never stormed off per se, but I have ‘bailed out’ of a few gigs slightly earlier than when I was supposed to finish, mainly because it was hopeless. The worst ever was a company Christmas do in 2005 at Brighton Racecourse. I was asked to do 20 minutes of jokes, but with just 3 minutes gone, the crowd were still chatting, dancing, singing, and generally walking across the front of me. They not only wouldn’t listen, they didn’t even know I was there. The lady who booked me made a ‘finger across the throat’ gesture and I left to as much applause as I arrived to – none.

SG

what’s the worst heckle you’ve ever had shouted at you?

Phillip O

Define worst! Is that the funniest, or the least funny? Certainly the one I felt worst about was when I berated a Welsh audience member about him saying he ‘wasn’t British’. I said, “your flag is part of the union flag, after all.” The Welsh flag actually isn’t. That sort of thing I beat myself up about long after everyone else has forgotten.
The one heckle I simply couldn’t deal with was this guy in the front row a few years back who told me that he knew my mum. I thought, “here we go, some sort of ‘I’ve slept with your mum’ type reference”, but he then went on to say that she taught him business studies at Dorothy Stringer School and she failed him, and he was now a successful business man. How do you defend your mum in that situation? I was pretty flummoxed!

SG

There are plans to counter the declining UK bee population by downloading additional bees from America, using a USB port.

I had to give away my favourite tool the other day - it was a wrench.

Why did the restaurant manager have to stop his staff taking desserts from the stockroom? Because they were eating into his profiteroles.

Did you hear about the baker who went to work abroad for a year? He was on a ciabattical.

What do you call an old Spanish man? Senor Citizen.

What do you call a Spanish builder? Manuel Labourer.

Daniel Searle

Good start Daniel! I must admit I’d heard the last 2 before (to be fair, I’ve heard most jokes – when you tell people you’re a comedian they go, “you can use this one...” - but you wouldn’t. My favourite of that lot is the USB joke at the top – contemporary and clever. Top marks. Next!

SG

What did the man say to the emetic?

You make me sick

Brian

OK… I might have to be a bit of a pedant here Brian, but by Emetic I guess you mean the drug? In which case it works, but why would he be talking to it? That said, it definitely works and I’m wrecking the humour here by over-analyzing. As comedy writer Barrie Cryer once said, jokes are like frogs. If you dissect them, they die.

SG

Hi Stephen,

How on earth do you deal with heckling? I get heckled all the time, but not in a good way, when I go out running. People say stuff like "Keep running Forrest!", how can I respond with wit?

Help!!!

Kyle Go-Kart


Ha! Well, thankfully it’s a lot easier to deal with a heckler on stage than it is out and about – which comes under the heading of ‘unsolicited abuse’. In a comedy club, they want you to do well, so if you get heckled, so long as you come back with something pithy and cutting, the audience will love you for it. I guess if someone hit me with that Forrest Gump line while I was running yet they were standing still, I’d reply with, “Keep eating the box of chocolates” to prey on their lack of exercise. Unless of course they’re running after you, in which case, pretend you didn’t hear anything and speed up.

SG

Alright mate.

What’s the wrost joke you ever told?

skunky

I’ve told quite a few good jokes badly, does that count? Obviously I’m making up new jokes all the time and some of them just don’t work. I had this one I was obsessed with for a year. It was a passing observation – “I walked past Phones4U the other day. What a bunch of liars. They do Gift Vouchers.” I was convinced it was funny, but nobody laughed, so I was wrong. Does anyone get this? It’s obvious to me. Oh well.

SG

Do your mates always expect you to be funny when you’re around them in social situations? You must get tired of it!

Grace Simonsen


Not really, thank God. Half of my friends knew me before I did this for a living and have been putting up with my stupid attention-hogging behaviour for years; and the other half are also comedians and we’re not allowed to ‘talk shop’ off stage. I wouldn’t say we’re serious creatures away from the lights but certainly telling jokes is frowned upon socially in comedic circles. It’s mainly **** about who’s been on Mock the Week and who got which stupidly well-paid advert.

SG

What do you call a man who used to be interested in farmyard machinery?

An ex-tractor fan

Bonesy

Heard it. But it’s an old classic. I may have told that one myself a few times. Mainly to passengers in my car as I overtake them on the A281. “I don’t like those tractors any more, I’m a … “ and then my passengers all chorus in with “ex-tractor fan”. They hate me. Deservedly.

How do you make a hormone?

A. A hierarchy of cell types must act on each other either to stimulate or to modulate the release and action of a particular hormone. The secretion of hormones from successive levels of endocrine cells is stimulated by chemical signals originating from cells higher up the hierarchical system. The master coordinator of hormonal activity in mammals is the hypothalamus, which acts on input that it receives from the central nervous system. In order to 'make' a hormone, this complex process can be recreated in a laboratory.

Tony the Pony


The old switcheroo - love it! You can apply this system of joke telling to “My dog’s got no nose” (he was injured in an illegal fight broken up by the RSPCA). “What do you call a man with a spade in his head?” (An ambulance). “Why did the chicken cross the road?” (To flaunt Government rules on ring-fencing potential H5N1 carriers). You can have tons of fun with these. Cheers Tony!

SG

How come people like Justin Lee Collins, Alan Carr and Jimmy Carr are always on TV? I gather it's something to aspire to for stand-ups, for financial reasons, which is fair enough. But - and I'm sure they're lovely people and funny to people who read Nuts magazine - surely they don't command that much airtime?

Also, I saw Chris Addison do stand-up once and he was hilarious. Then I saw his sit-com. Do you reckon it was a big post-modern joke about the nature of stand-ups on tele? That's the only explanation I can think of for Lab Rats. Any TV plans yourself?

Julian Fford-Jenkins


Ooh, multiple questions! I’ve no idea why certain people appear to ‘always’ be on TV, but in the case of Alan and Jimmy, they’re superb stand-ups; both of them ship hundreds of thousands of DVDs each year and with good reason. That said, that doesn’t always make the translation to the big screen. And not all stand-ups want to be on TV; sure, it helps get numbers through the door when you tour, but sometimes people use TV to help promote their stand-up career, as opposed to the other way round. Comedians are considered natural presenters; years on the stand-up circuit has taught them how to be confident, friendly, and likeable, no matter what they may or may not be like in real life.

And like yourself, I’m a big fan of Chris Addison’s standup, and also feel the jury is out somewhat on Lab Rats. But herein lies the problem - a stand-up audience is not the same as a TV audience. Making the latter laugh is tough as you’ve never played to them live; they’re sat at home watching TV. To do this you need to be someone with an innate understanding of TV comedy, like John Sullivan who wrote Only Fools and Horses. It’s a steep learning curve for most comedians and very few TV producers nowadays have the patience for comedians to climb it. Those who do though, such as Steve Coogan, Ricky Gervais, and Jerry Seinfeld, usually hit absolute jackpot – hence TV companies are willing to take risks.

Why couldn't the tyre make the orchestra play in time?

It was a bad conductor.

Stephen Patrick


Nice. I semi-guessed that one. If you replaced ‘tyre’ with ‘insulating tape’ it would be more specific to what you’re doing at the end. But let’s not workshop and congratulate a good joke – well done!

SG

Why haven’t you become a household name?

Kay

Ooh! More reasons to stay awake at night. Pick your favourite from any one of these:

1. I’ve been unlucky
2. My agent hasn’t worked hard enough
3. I’m not pretty enough / I’m beginning to thin on top
4. I’m not funny enough
5. I don’t have a ‘USP’ (a unique selling point. It’s everything in showbiz, apparently)
6. There are lots of other people out there as good as me trying to be better known and it’s very competitive
7. I’m too comfortable being well known in Brighton to bother with all that London stuff
8. I’m rubbish at schmoozing
9. I will be and it’s just a matter of time …

At some point I’ve thought any one of those was the major reason. But while I’m happy doing what I do they become less of a reason for me to beat myself up!

SG

You were famously punched in the face many years ago. Have you been attacked since?

Spencer

No – but I’ve been aware of when it might happen again! Certainly when I’ve ruffled the feathers of a few audience members I’ve made a point of not wandering out into the heart of the venue where someone could take a swing at me.

The funniest thing about being punched in the face was that The Argus came to take a picture of me outside the Komedia where it happened with me looking all sorrowful, with a cut cheek and black eye. When, two years later, I got a big job on the Radio 1 breakfast show and the Argus ran a piece on me about it… they used the same photo; unhappy, cut cheek, black eye. I looked like a cabin boy on a pirate ship.

Friday Inquisition, Brighton says...
1:30pm Fri 3 Oct 08
To charismatic Andrew (two posts above):

Well, bizarrely, you talk about sexist, racist, or homophobic jokes but I know as many people who'd be equally upset with doing dyslexic jokes. Not so much from not having a sense of humour about the subject, but from the perception being misplaced from the actual medical condition. In the same way as 'Irish' jokes were once commonplace, people now realise they are xenophobic and derogatory in an overgeneralising sense. (Is that a word? It is now!). The main problem with these sort of jokes, if they are said with no harm meant, is that you have to consider who is hearing them. Is it friends of yours down the pub who know you well and realise you intend no malice, or is it a global, unseen audience (like I get on stage, or like you get when posting on a much-read internet page) who could take it the wrong way? It's as much about what is being heard as what is being said, and sometimes just saying, "It's a joke" isn't enough to defend yourself from insulting people. It's very tricky.

(Please note, charismatic Andrew’s post has been removed because it may offend some of our readers)

The three major political parties are finally winding up their conference season. With Foggy Brown, Compo Cameron and Nick Clegg ...presumably this is the last of the Summer Whine.

(recently saw Stephen in Jongluer's in Camden. Excellent performance.)

Scorpion

Nice! They’re always desperate for political joke writers on Radio 4 – send them a sheet of your best offerings! And glad you liked me at Jongleurs Camden – that can be a bearpit of a gig sometimes.

SG

Q, How many male chauvinists does it take to operate a hoover?

A, What's a hoover?

twosugars

This is probably my favourite so far. I even did a mini chuckle and disrupted the hard-working Argus journalists from entering lots of classified ads and reporting on the breaking news of Sussex … and trying to find cups for the water dispenser. It’s all go here.
Q, How many male chauvinists does it take to operate a hoover? A, What's a hoover? twosugars This is probably my favourite so far. I even did a mini chuckle and disrupted the hard-working Argus journalists from entering lots of classified ads and reporting on the breaking news of Sussex … and trying to find cups for the water dispenser. It’s all go here.

Thanks very much everyone, I’ve really enjoyed answering your questions. Cheeky plug for my show at the Paramount Comedy Festival; I’m in the Corn Exchange on Friday Oct 24th at 9:30pm, doing my hour or so of stand-up from this year’s Edinburgh Fringe. It’s my best show yet and I’d love you to all pop down and say hello. Plug over!

SG